Meeting the inner child and the outer parent

Photo-Richard Heeks

Pain comes up into bubbles...

Bubbles come up into air... 

I have recently realized how much of an "insight" meditation Vipassana meditation really is.

We, the waking spirits, who are no longer deep in slumber, yet not constantly present and in the fullness of now either, have to wonder with our minds- where are these invisible obstacles, what is it that is holding us back, why do we have to fall, can we not just always fly, why do we fall back to the old tracks of behavior, why do we lose patience and peace. It is lovely- to know the peace is longer, the fullness closer at hand, yet where are those hidden magnets- we want to soar at all times, we think we know how! Digging in the psyche it is always the childhood we get back to, the formative years, the upsets of the inner child.

Vipassana shows this in the level of the body, it is wondrous how perfectly the mind and body are aligned. We observe the subtle and oh-so-pleasant free-flow of energy on our body, but just as we get into it- POP! A bubble. The flow of awareness is stopped by a painful hard obstacle. Oh- the unpleasant pain of it to the sensitive mind pinpointed on a single tiny area of matter/energy! The thought of unpleasantness resulting in another instant POP, and soon we are rigid, solid, there is no way for the awareness now, it is again crippled, again stuck in solid matter where it has to cut through with force and move at a speed of a turtle. No more gliding through our own bodies alive and buzzing with its vibratory wave, now transforming into a bulldozer and ramming through as if we are our own obstacle. Perhaps we are.

We have to meet our inner child I feel. The one standing in the corner of our mind, hiding, waiting. The innocent one robbed of their innocence. The one born timeless taught time. The confident being who was shown they are not worthy. The one full of love unloved. The big reduced to tiny, the one who knew oneness and was shown one less. It is the nature of this world to create this abandoned creature. It is the role of the parents to show us the nature of the manifest world of duality.

The roots are dug deep, and we are usually scared to tackle them. It is difficult as well cause of all the coping mechanisms we have built. The deepest fears and pains of the ego- I am not worthy, I am not lovable- these had to have a solution even as a child and to tackle them now as a grown up- is hard. But inevitable. All roads lead to this point I feel. 

And it is a tricky point, it is a deep pit. How many times have I thought I have forgiven my parents. I was so full of the Universe then that everything dissolved, the inner child was at home. But the world and time keeps pushing up. More bubbles. Pop. Pop.

Do we take time to really face our parents? I have met some who have, it has usually been on their death bed, with a few first honest words spoken, and then onto another pain- grieving. 

Can we look eye to eye with them, soul to soul with them? Can we tell them how we felt as a child with no blame, can we take responsibility of our own response mechanisms if those have cost them pain in return? Can we talk to them past the roles that we play, past the huge bulk of hidden and unhidden baggage?

It is not about understanding. I understand perfectly well that my parents did what they knew best, acting from their own hurts and fears, walking on their own path, dealing with their own lessons. At the end of the day I do believe that both the parents and the children have chosen each other. Parents- to widen their own lessons of soul; children to learn a particular lesson of soul which heightens the journey, whether it is abandonment, abuse, absence, clinging, dependence... We chose and we received. There is no blame. The clarity of understanding makes it even more difficult to know exactly how to untangle the roots. How ironic to face meeting the first people we ever glimpsed, felt, touched- last.

There is only one way and it is honest and open communication. With both the inner child and the outer parent. 

The yin and the yang. 

Bubble after bubble, 

Bursting in the air.. 

Compensation of ecstacy and anguish

From heaven to hell in a week. A week which seems like a month to my mind, which feels like a year to my body.

One week for the heart to fall in love and get itself broken to pieces.

I feel like I've been in a war, literally. So drained, not an ounce of anything left in my mind, heart or body. Just a knowledge that once again I've survived a hurricane.

What is left is silence. No opposites.

No desire.

No desperation.

No joy and no sadness. Pure emptiness.

Of course its so much nicer to get to the void by our own will, whether by letting go or meditation. But the madness that love and passion can be, the destruction it can do to us- will get you there as well. Crushed by my crush- but still ending up in the emptiness. Why not, I guess.

I also guess that the extreme passion I've just experienced perhaps has no other place to end. One extreme walks together with its counterpart. And the counterpart of passion is not heart-break- it's peace and complete stillness. From a point of view of how it feels- to be in love and to be in heart-break- doesn't really even have any difference. In its end it's still the same continuous heightened pulse, loss of appetite and sleep, obsessive thinking about only one person. Ok- so there is pain, where before was anticipation and longing- twins to my mind. Passion is perhaps just a form of pain, from beginning to end, and its certainly a type of madness. :) Where does it come from and why we have it from the first glances with some and thankfully very few... it's one of the great mysteries. I guess it has to exist in a world where the opposite also exists, in a world where most of the helloes already mean goodbyes. Passion is perhaps the epitome for this crazy world where we all drift by each other, rarely making connections.

Oh the hurricanes of the heart, the thunders of feeling!

When I sit right now on my balcony, and watch the sky, also silent at this moment, only one huge cloud suspended in stillness- I am at peace. I know that this is the true reality. Nothing is there to hurt us or to make us happy. We do this ourselves.
When for a change we are empty, our feelings silenced, our egos evaporated- everything is just there.

And its beautiful. It's all just there, we are just there.

Only a breathing.

Only some music.

And perhaps poetry...

Compensation- Emily Dickinson

For each ecstatic instant
We must an anguish pay
In keen and quivering ratio
To the ecstasy.

For each beloved hour
Sharp pittances of years,
Bitter contested farthings
And coffers heaped with tears.

The time for masks to wear, and masks to fall

"There will be time to put on a face to meet the faces that you meet." T.S.Eliot

Halloween- a night with profound meaning and importance in my book, and of course just plain fun as well, always a bonus. :) 

A night when age becomes meshed together- grown-ups become children and children practise looking at the darkness of the world yet to be experienced.

A sort of Jungian night to forget who we're supposed to be and play out the archetypes. The night of exploring that very fascinating land of shadows and boundaries people normally tend to avoid. No wonder its my favourite holiday.

Its a night for realizing together that we are dreaming, whether on a conscious or subconscious level.

Its a night to realize we are active creators of our lives, in fact free to choose to play any role and any character at all. 

Its a night that feels more real for me than any other night of the year. When I am OPENLY a fictional character and another looks me in the face as a fictional character- what an experiential, real, shared sense of liberation, even for a moment. Its a night with just enough more carefree, just enough more egoless, just enough more playful interaction to make me always look forward to it. To look forward to see the masks put on and the masks of our ego somewhat falling.

Its a night to play in the dark. For so many to allow themselves to face fear in some manner, no matter how frivolous the outer level. How refreshing, be it once a year.

Maybe if we wear enough masks then we will discover our true identity? Why oh why does the celebration of masks make me feel such utter optimism, paradox is thy name- Life!

What your Halloween costume says about you

By NANCY CHURNIN / The Dallas Morning News 

Usually, most of us try to be on our best behavior. We dress appropriately, speak politely and try to fit in with others where we work, where we socialize and where we go to school. Then comes Halloween, where despite the economy, 64.5 percent of consumers plan to spend a total of $5.77 billion on the holiday this year, according to the National Retail Federation's recent survey.

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It's an opportunity for a shy musician to transform into a scary witch and for children to don fairy wings and imagine themselves in flight.
And that's great, says Ron Schenk, a Jungian analyst with private practices in Dallas and Houston.
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"Halloween gives a place for those parts of our psyche that don't fit in," Dr. Schenk says. "You can dress up as a princess and feel you are the center of the universe. If you're scared, you can deal with your fear by dressing up as something dark and powerful. You can give your inner yearnings a place at the table, to acknowledge that that they are part of you."
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Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, the founder of analytic psychology, identified archetypes, such as that of the hero, as universal patterns that exist in our subconscious and emerge in a variety of forms. He also described what he calls the "shadow," such as the monster, as the part of ourselves that we deny and sometimes project onto others.

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An essential component of Jungian therapy is to accept our desires and fears and integrate them into our lives. Dr. Schenk believes Halloween can provide a great release, especially in tough times like these where many may be too tense to fully express our hopes and fears. And that makes it all the more important not to worry about what others think, but to be guided by your own inner voice telling you who you need to be.

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We talked with local Halloween fans who are doing just that. Here are their thoughts and Dr. Schenk's on what they chose to wear.

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HERO.
Richmond Punch, 28, artistic director of the Dallas Uptown Youth Orchestra, has been dressing up for years as the star of Undercover Brother, a 2002 film starring Eddie Griffin about a man who goes undercover to fight an evil establishment. At first glance, the mild-mannered Juilliard-trained musician seems as if he's going for his opposite when portraying this smart-talking, gold necklace-wearing toughie with the big Afro. But on closer inspection, Undercover Brother is a hero who saves the day. And a hero is very much how one can view Mr. Punch, who has devoted himself to the challenge of bringing music into the lives of underprivileged kids by persuading their parents to give them the opportunity to be in an orchestra for the first time.
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Why Mr. Punch likes it: "He rescues people. I feel strong when I wear this costume. I feel that I can change things in this world as he did."

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Dr. Schenk says this seems like a good fit for Mr. Punch, noting that the hero wears many faces, from Superman to the Lone Ranger to Harry Potter. "The hero figure is born in an unnoticed place, raised in obscurity, and emerges to try on a role that is larger than life. The hero often is an alter ego, wearing a mask or taking on a mysterious identity. He or she goes over the line, in an epic battle or quest to get the hard-to-attain treasure and bring it to the right place."
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FAIRY PRINCESS.. .
Jessica Shen, 7, and her sister, Crystal, 3, love Halloween. And Jessica says that this year, she will be trick or treating in her favorite costume ever. Two years ago she was a bumblebee, but the costume was a little hot. Last year, she was Sleeping Beauty, but the dress was a little loose on her shoulders. This year she thinks she has it just right as a fairy princess who can fly. It's even more fun that her sister likes to wear a costume just like it. 
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Why Jessica likes it: "I like when people say my sister and I are so pretty and so cute," says Jessica. "And I like the way the wings make me feel that I'm flying in the wind."

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Dr. Schenk finds this a very positive choice, especially for younger children. "Girls need to have the feeling of being the center of the universe, a quality which is at the core of positive self-esteem. You can't build a healthy personality if you don't feel worthiness at your core."
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WITCH 
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Erin Hannigan, 36, principal oboe of the Dallas Symphony Orchestra, usually crafts her own funny costume, like a moose, or a slice of pizza or a candy bar, to make kids laugh when she performs at the DSO's annual Halloween family concert. But when she goes to a Halloween party for adults, she prefers dressing up as something scary like a witch. 
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Why Ms. Hannigan likes it: "I'm a pretty shy person. It's empowering when I dress up as a witch because they're aggressive, and that's not who I am. Also, every day I try to get myself to look as good as I can. So it's fun to go out there and look as hideous as possible, which is completely different than I do the other 364 days of the year. It feels like an adventure." Dr. Schenk describes the witch as a figure that would appeal to someone who is creative. "

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Witches are powerful. They have a connection with supernatural forces. The image of the boiling cauldron transforms even the mundane act of cooking into something magical."
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MUMMY
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Humberto Gallego Montes, 5, has been obsessed with mummies ever since he started hearing about them at his preschool at the Museum of Nature & Science. His mother, Maria, says he talks about how he wants to live forever and take all his treasures with him. He also tells her he doesn't want to scare anyone. Humberto wants to be a "funny mummy" that makes people laugh. During the phone interview, Ms. Montes says he made a mummy out of aluminum foil and wrapped it with toilet paper.
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Why Humberto likes it: "I want to feel how it is to be wrapped around. I like the idea of preserving my body forever so they can remember me."
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Dr. Schenk notes that this choice touches on the desire for eternal life and a hunger to learn. "In a culture like ours that denies death, mummies suggest that chemical treatments and special concoctions can help you live forever. Also, there's a sense that wisdom will come if you can live through the ages."

VAMPIRE 
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Stephanie Kozlovsky, 16, has wanted to be a vampire ever since reading Stephenie Meyer's best-selling Twilight series. She brought her friend and fellow Twilight fan, Audrey Hodson, 16, to get their pictures taken as what she calls "newborn" vampires. She is drawn to the idea of eternal life, of the romance of the story and the allure of being different.

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Why Stephanie likes it: "I like the sense of power that vampires have and that they have such a hard choice between good and evil. I like the way Edward [the vampire in the book] has to overcome his thirst for blood not to hurt Bella. And I like the way that for one night I can look so wild and crazy. It helps me get all that out of my system so I don't mind going back to school the next day in my uniform."
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Dr. Schenk speculates that the growing interest in vampires in popular culture may be a reaction to cultural repression. "The popularity of vampires might be attributed to a thirst for soul or life in its raw, pristine form, not homogenized, not sterilized or white-washed, but with all the passion and instinct, grit and guts, which are associated with the 'dark side.' Blood is the flow right at the core of life. It signifies essential experience which is often painful, yet makes life real.

Slow growth and hardest lessons of compassion and wisdom

Hard day today for lessons about hurtful expression. Change really seems to be very slow in this indeed.

I guess everybody has at least one challenging relationship in their lives. And when I look at it from a distance, then I realise that this relationship with that person is the one that is most vital, most important, and therefore the most cherished one to me. It is suffering that teaches us anything at all. Its wonderful and necessary to have loving and peaceful relationships around us, but it is that other one, the one that challenges us, that has the power to make us truly grow. The only person that I feel I dislike at times, is the person that I love most of all when I realize this.

Yet- this is from hindsight, while I see things clearly. While I am in the moment of challenge, while I am in a battle that I more often than not loose- to remain kind and not be pulled into a confrontation- I forget this completely, oh where does this knowledge disappear to then??

But yes- I lost the battle with the ego yet again. I was temporarily blind yet again. I was pulled into a pattern of unwise thoughts and unkind words. And when I say- was pulled- then in no way do I mean that some force outside myself or the other person did this. No- it was myself and nobody else but myself.

And I witnessed that which I have so many times before. Namely that anger is the worst emotion we allow ourselves to get into. It hurts ourselves and the others and then ourselves again. Till we are able to stop the "story" in our heads and finally let go of it. It is getting out of the story that is also difficult. Today I saw that half of the "wrong" that I imagined was happening which pulled me into anger, was created by myself and had nothing to do with what really went on. The story was going on and on in my head, and while it was going around like a snowball down the mountain it picked up new nuances, new details. I started to imagine what the other person must have been thinking while they were saying what they said, why they were thinking it, what they must think about me, how they must dislike me and be against me... Nonsense, a story is a perfect word for it, because what happens when we keep thinking about things- they literally turn into fiction.
 
And if we are not able to somehow stop this snowball, then our reaction will of course be totally disproportionate, as will be the reaction of the other person, because I know the same thing is going on inside their heads too.

Anyway I came home and I felt horrible. Instantly sat down and did a Metta meditation. What I struggled with was self-forgiveness and giving Metta to myself. I had already come back to the stage of being utterly grateful to the other person for showing me my faults and giving me opportunity to grow. Yet forgiving myself for hurting the other, I am still not quite there... The thought that kept coming was- I should have known better, having been on a spiritual path for a long time, I should have been able to stop myself. I accept that I wasn't. I accept myself as on the way and a human being. Forgiveness is a bit harder though.

At the same time- when I think back on the words: "the only person who I dislike at times but for this reason love the dearest", then I realise that this is a source for self-forgiveness as well. Because today I was really the person I didn't like very much, but I was also the person that made me grow, therefore the one I must be able to love and forgive.

Yet once again there has been a change in attitude and the truth does this every time. I came home thinking- what a horrible day. Now I think- what a meaningful day, let there be many more of these!



May all beings be happy!