Ayahuasca, part 2- HEAVEN

Alex Grey - Theologue

Entering the second session with the master-plant took an immense effort, just the getting ready for it. Never in my life had I been so out of control, powerless and afraid. To choose to enter that world again was one of the hardest things I've had to do, my breath was unsteady and heart trembling. It didn't help that much that the shaman was saying not to enter with fear, that if I entered afraid, I would only have more of the same, more of fear. How easy it is to understand yet how do you force yourself not to be afraid if your only experience with the plant is that of utter hell. So instead of thinking- don't fear, I was saying to myself- remember to open your heart and love. Positives do work much better.

This time as I gulped down the brown liquid, a quarter of a dose of the night before, I wasn't asking for a lot other than- treat me kindly.. :)

Regardless of such a small dose, the effects were once again immediate. Straight away I was in the same place, the nasty place of vomiting and life-less soulless fear circus and playground. Ugly horrible noises- I thought- I cant believe this- I'm here again, I couldn't believe WHYEVER people do this thing, why was I doing this, AGAIN!!!

But soon I realised that it was different this time. I was able to stand back, probably because of the lower dose. I wasn't overwhelmed or drowned in the other reality, I could open my eyes and come back to my mattress. So I relaxed, got over the wish to just keep purging, focused, let the circus be, let the fear be. The shaman had told me that the shapes I had seen had all been doors and she was right, it turned out that the same hell was like a gate-way. The horrific clown-demons were gate-keepers with a simple test- can you overcome fear and turn it into love? Only with an open heart can you cross over to the magic side of Ayahuasca!

A different universe started to emerge. The crude shapes turned finer and finer. All corners smoothing out. Where only one or two colours had prevailed, now all the colours of all the chakras started to come through and build a cosmos like no other. Somehow my body was cleansed deeper than ever before, somehow for the first time in my life all my energy centers were open, all of them involved in co-creation.

From time to time I was still seeing a face of a demon-clown here and there, but now somehow I felt no judgement or fear for them. I was beginning to feel the unified and I had a clear knowledge that the demonic and the soulless also had a place in this whole.

How can I describe the next 3 hours other than that it was being in pure, unconditional love and bliss. The whole indescribable universe which opened up was like an organic interconnected 3D web, painted and shining with the light-beams of all the colours of the rainbow. I kept flying through this miraculous place, in which every millimeter was so full of detail, so intricate, so ornate. It was constantly being born, new vistas, new details, every intricate millimeter of its fabric turning ever more intricate and then molding into something different once again. Flying over stunning landscapes of green hills, oceans, rivers between canyons with round bridges over it, volcanoes. Meeting nature itself, I saw countless animals and birds and fish, mainly those of the Amazonian jungle but also for example koalas and platypuses and elephants, leaving me in a soul-quenching state of connectedness with Mother Earth in all its glory. I saw the images of Buddhas everywhere, especially during the first minutes, this in particular was giving me a feeling of security and support at that time. I also kept sighting an Eye on every corner of the highway of heaven. The eye always seeing, always open- sometimes the eye of a cat, sometimes that of a puma, sometimes human, sometimes also a face with three eyes. The meaning of this is self-evident as the shaman said- the third eye feeds off the heart, with an open heart the center of intuition cannot remain closed.

There were pyramids and pharaohs- in general so much detail it was impossible to remember even a fraction of all I saw.

It was a journey and it felt complete, which made me realise I was witnessing something like the blue-print of the evolution of consciousness and of the Earth. It was flowing and glowing with such gentle pure love and such overwhelming beauty that I couldn't stop crying while I had the biggest smile on my face.

I saw my friend, who was with me in this retreat, and had struggled a lot with the first night as myself, dancing under a Sun bathed in a golden light, free and wild and liberated. And in her own vision at that time she was actually dancing, free of fear, liberated! In fact somehow as a group I found us in a connected web of minds, and the link accessible through Ayahuasca, truly amazing to see intuition at work.

Love was everywhere. I saw the Man and the Woman standing hand in hand in front of a sunset, and the Man and the Woman again making love while suspended in the universe in front of a huge burning Sun.

There was one instant I wished to see a loved one in my vision and tried to mold the creation that was. Yet suddenly the flying avenue of light burst in a short-cut and there was a breaking black gap in the flow. I saw what happened and I laughed at myself for not being happy with the absolute perfection I was already witnessing. This was perhaps one of the most meaningful of all the lessons from this experience. Even while in sync with the source, and having entered this state because of one thing and one thing only- by being a witness and thus letting the natural power of love and life that each of us possesses, move us into a higher state, we as humans can get so confident that we forget to be witnesses and try once more to use a limited tool of the personal mind to "improve" that which is naturally, to fulfil our little wishes of the ego, thus losing that which took us there, the act of letting go, equanimous observation, thus losing the connection.

I kept traveling until the vision started to slow down and everything came back to its point of origin. Not surprisingly all the roads made of light went back to a huge pumping heart, now filling my vision, all the energy of the world started and ended there and I think that is what the Ayahuasca is mainly a teacher of. Its not the mind that is so important, the mind is the tool for seeing, but the heart is the core, the beginning, without the heart no higher goals are possible, love is the key.

I went to sleep slowly because the happiness was too deep and I felt full of energy. Everything was shining, even though it was a dark night. The sky was full to the brim with stars and my dreams were full of a flight of a bird.

How different was the next morning from the one before. At the breakfast table, instead of the previous shattered tired frightened faces, disorientated, lost; were shining creatures who looked each other in the eyes with love, gratitude for sharing the journey, open helpfulness.

Our last ceremony was the ceremony to the mother Earth or Pachamama. We held hands in a circle and sent back to eachother and to mother Nature all that we had gained. The feeling of unconditional love can only grow from giving back. The hands were pulsating with energy. We each made a pledge to commit to trying in whatever way to return the love and the shaman burned a bundle of symbolic presents to Pachamama, consisting of all manner of things like coca and tea-leaves, sugar, strings of gold, salt, even wine, in a small fire, the ashes remaining on the soil and the good intentions flying up with the smoke to the skies. Afterwards everybody hugged eachother, such a feeling of love and humanity! It was so beautiful to be able to speak freely with love and gratitude, to not be hindered by any of the communication patterns and games we usually are enslaved to.

I felt my heart was completely opened by this absolutely incredible plant mixture for that time. But I know that this was just a lesson of the path. Being a free and happy human being has nothing to do with one, two, or even twenty-times of experiencing the light. It is about working every single day to come to that place again, for our habitual tracks are strong indeed. It is not enough to rest after witnessing the beauty of human potential, and its dangerous to feel an achievement of overcoming ones blocks after going through such a hard time because that time is past now and life is in the present- the shamanic lesson from Ayahuasca is about working every day to keep the heart open. My heart in particular is a feeble, changeable creature. It opens to close to open again. It is a difficult path but I am in awe and full of deepest gratitude for the push from Pachamama to keep on that hard path. In total awe of the miraculous wisdom of the plants of Ayahuasca.

Thank you Etnika's Shamanic Retreat, Cuzco, Peru!

Ayahuasca, part 1- HELL

Dear ayahuasca,

I had no idea how much power could be in a plant.The wisdom of mother Earth itself. Thank you for helping me, for putting me face to face with your beautiful teaching about fear and love, about the raging hell and the soaring absolute heaven present in all life, this planet and my own little soul.

DAY 1
HELL

First, before attempting to describe one of the most powerful experiences of my life, I would like to clarify something about the profound shamanic healing therapy that the use of the master-plant ayahuasca is. It is not to be taken on lightly, in fact it is one of the most powerful (read-difficult) ways of healing. The practise has to be entered first with courage and second with faith. Even if we do not have a faith system of our own, we do have to have faith that the shamans and the people involved during this process, know what they are doing. Never under any circumstances is it for people who simply want to see visions and just to have some entertainment, diversion or an experience. It is a time-honoured pure and natural gift from the deep jungles of South America, it is an ancient wisdom of the shamans for the purpose of healing and nothing less, and it has to be felt, respected and honoured. Before the actual intake of Ayahuasca the shamans were doing for us a ceremony of coca-leaves, asking permission from the plant itself and from Pachamama (Mother Earth), asking whether we had enough courage, enough heart, enough faith. It took some time for the favourable answer to come, but the ceremony did force us to unite as a group and get into the right spirit. 
And even then- with respect and just barely enough courage to enter, one should be prepared to come face to face with the deepest darkness of oneself even though of course everyone hopes to see some light. It is in fact the darkness, that is intended to be released and that is the main purpose of this pracise for if we had no darkness we would not even be on this plane of earthly school of life. With this note I will try to share how truly astounding and helpful this therapy can be. 

Fear. 

After the first session of ayahuasca, I am truly shocked that I have survived and I am astounded that no matter how much I was convinced at that time that I was dying, I am still here. Fear is indeed a thought, just like the shaman said. But oh my god- did I have a lot of that.

It started with a little cubic swirling demon-clown peeking into my vision- peekaboo! There wasn't anything threatening about this figure, or from hindsight about any of the scenery and characters I encountered on my 3-4 hours long vision quest. Yet it's hard to describe how it makes one feel to suddenly be in an altogether different reality, to have everything one is accustomed to and depends on, taken away. So when all of a sudden I was in a universe I can best compare to surrealistic cubic art- with all kinds of shapes like triangles, squares, but more than that- grotesque, moving, living shapes- coming at me at full speed and frightening intimacy, I was not prepared. It was a full universe of not only picture but also sound, all the formations were making horrible loud clicking, grinding, ticking sounds (later the shaman explained that this is the way the ayahuasca plant wakes up in the nervous system, a sign that it has reacted with the brain). Also the sounds of people vomiting all around me did not help to ease me into it, rather made everything more hellish. The vision shapes were not just objects, yet they were not fully alive either, there was something cold about it all, empty of soul.. It was like a huge surreal circus, also akin to being inside a huge multi-coloured clock, every devilish cube and tube kept winding up and coming at me.

I tried to open my eyes but the vision was there even with open eyes. It was at this point when everything spiraled out of control for me. Suddenly I felt the nausea which is the main cleansing tool of the vine Ayahuasca. The mixture used actually consists of two plants. Ayahuasca, the vine, acts like a carrier for Chacruna, another plant, which is the component that carries the active ingredient of DMT- also known of late as the spirit molecule. The Ayahuasca helps the Chacruna carry the DMT to the brain, after which it exits the body via a purge. A stunningly beautiful and perfect process of nature. 

The mixture had been swirling around my circulation for some time now, it was so easy to feel it from the first few minutes- a bit like a surge of electricity, a hot stream, bubbling at times like a hot spring of Mother Nature. It started by descending to the stomach, down my arms and legs, making a circle and moving up through the spine to the brain which is when the peekabooing started. Almost everybody vomits it, the shamans hold the vomiting the most important of the whole process, as a tool to get rid of the bad energy accumulated through the years. The more you vomit the better and if some poor souls go through 5-7 sessions of only purging and no visions, tired and disappointed at the "only negative", the shaman will smile and be happy of their progress. Some people have difficulty keeping the bitter brown liquid down for more than 5-10 minutes, I managed until about 15. And then things got really ugly. 

The setting of the therapy looks a bit like an army hospital at night. Mattresses lined up against the wall of the "patients". Darkness because the eyes cannot handle light during this process. Next to each of the mattresses the essentials- a bucket for purging, tissues for cleaning up, a huge bottle of water. And of course the participants, all wrapped up in warm clothing and sleeping bags as one of the side-effects is also freezing. 

So after 15 minutes the nausea was incredible, never-before experienced in my life. And the visions were all-encompassing, devouring me, drowning me. The vomit was the plant mixture come to life, engorged into a huge black-green vine-serpent. The bucket was a huge long black tunnel, where I was falling down along with the serpent next to me, circling me, which was at times turning into a demonic face which was making purging sounds and telling me- purge! I felt it was the vine itself speaking to me. So I purged, it was impossible not to. It was impossible to stop, the nausea just kept growing. Suddenly I could not move my head and I had to gasp for air. The collar of my jumper felt like it was choking me, killing me. I kept wanting to hide under the blanket to get away from it all but there was no getting away. I was concentrating with all my might to breathe, relax, change the vision, but nothing helped. I needed tissue and water but whenever I tried to feel around me for these, firstly the movements made me too sick and secondly I had no idea where I was or of orientation. Everything I managed to touch was soft and fuzzy and the wrong shape and texture. I felt I was losing control over the whole of my body, paralysed in fear. I kept trying to breathe as I held my head.

At some point I realised that the shaman was singing and that the helpers were making a fuss around me. I had heard them talking around me for some time but I was convinced it had nothing to do with me, so removed was I from reality. I couldn't make out any words, they seemed coming from a million miles away, also it seemed I had forgotten all English, none of the words made any sense. The fuss they were making made me feel two-fold. First- it was giving me a tiny bit of hope, just to vaguely know that there was somebody out there, far far away from the circus of animated cubism where I was, but there. At the same time it made me feel more nervous about my current state, I knew I was bad, but until then I had no idea that I was the only one having problems at that time. Why was everyone so quiet, why weren't they gasping for their lives like I was?! 
I had forgotten that I am highly sensitive to stimulation such as this, over-sensitive compared to most people, had forgotten to tell the shamans to have a lesser dose. But it was too late of course. In hindsight I know that the dose was too much for me, but I also know that I was helped so much namely because of the extremity of the experience and that there is a deep wisdom in life which never gives us more than we can handle.

At this time, though I was far away from the voices next to me, I heard a clear and loud sentence from a young 15 year old shaman apprentice (a very talented girl, in real life seeming like an ordinary teenager, but during sessions proving herself highly powerful and intuitive)- OPEN YOUR HEART! I knew this was the truth and what I had to do. I felt my heart closed, over-powered with fear and blocks that had accumulated in me which I kept releasing but which kept growing back. 

Because all this time I had been gasping over a bucket, there was a time when one of the helpers had removed it to empty it. At one horrifying moment I had no bucket, I was feeling like another purge, yet I could not open my mouth to ask for it, I could not move my hands to locate it, I was powerless, helpless, sick in torments of hell. After the helpers finally returned me to my tunnel of flying serpents, the bucket became the most important thing in my life, all that mattered. I kept feeling it. It disappeared you see. While it was under my hands, the whole molecular nature of the world was twisting constantly and sometimes becoming absent altogether. The bucket swirled, disappeared, I could never be sure if it was there, if it wasn't, the space around me was empty and not empty at the same time. Had I entered some kind of quantum reality of uncertainty?- it certainly felt like that. 

The Universe gone cubist, soulless and clownish was still raving away at me. I was drowned in it, utterly lost, with no power at all. I honestly thought that there was no come-back from this reality for me, that I would stay lost in it forever, thus forgetting the exactly opposite point the shaman had made in the preparatory talk, where she asked us to remember, no matter how we felt, that nothing lasts forever, ayahuasca, like anything else has a life-span in our bodies, an energetic curve. In other words the teaching of anicca- things always rise to pass away. 

How long passed I have no idea, it was a timeless hell. But there came a point when I heard and finally understood what one of the helpers was saying to me- relax, just relax.

So I tried again. At first I couldn't understand where was my bed, I still couldn't sense this reality. The longer I kept my eyes open and concentrated, the more I started to see however. I was on my bed still- yey! Only sitting diagonally over the bucket, that's why I hadn't been able to find anything. Slowly I lay down and after many more bouts with nausea and sitting up again to dry-purge, I could at last, with one hand on my life-line the bucket, just to make sure it was still there, rest for a while. There were still the physical feelings, of freezing and being on fire at the same time, but I was alive and back.

Other than facing terror I managed on that first night to also open my heart. While the helper was leading me down the stairs later to go to the bathroom, I felt my heart burst open in the sweet pain of over-whelming love for her. She was leading me a small step at a time, I was completely blind and I felt so much humility and gratitude, for the helpers this whole scene must have been so hard, so difficult to witness, and to try to help- when the people are as lost as that, on the border of staying lost. I hadn't felt that moved for a long time. 

And coming back, resting and relaxed, still under the effects of Ayahuasca, I heard a thought- BEHOLD BIRTH. When I looked at my experience with this thought, I understood. I had asked from the plant to help remove the blocks for me in my path of self-realization. It's crystal clear to me now that the only obstacle I ever had was fear, from a young age. Fear of this insensitive world, fear of failing, fear of succeeding, fear of taking the first step, fear- first and foremost- of not being good enough. In order to remove that block- fear, there was nothing else to do other than to put me in the deepest fear possible. And what is the deepest fear? For some its death, I have met death and made peace with that. What is the next in line as to the fear-experiences though people tend not to remember this one? Birth. Looking at it, birth seemed exactly similar to my vision. A dark long tunnel and a completely alien world around me all of a sudden which makes no sense and because it is completely unknown and alien is utterly terrifying. Shapes we don't know coming at us, talking a language we do not understand, it's just sounds, shapes, colours. Us being completely helpless, we have no control over our bodily functions. We want to tuck away somewhere warm and dark, a comforting place that is our only experienced reality at that point. Oh the compassion I now feel for a baby being born! What a trauma!

The day after, like a new-born babe, I felt like crying all day. The whole day-time, spent alone and in noble silence, still mostly in fasting like in the day before, I was preparing myself with meditation on the heart. I knew the heart was the key, I knew that all that was necessary for this experience of rebirth was love. I was scared to death of the next session, but the shaman had promised me a small dose and I couldn't leave the process half-way, come what may. 

My love story with the Divine or a short version of my history of the Dance

        I was wondering today if and how has my love for the Divine changed over the years, from the first "communion" through the years of union. From passion to commitment? So I dug up my diary...

Excerpt from diary, 2005

        I have been in love many times. I have lost myself in others countless moments. This has been a search, an escape, a hope!? Why fall in love? And out of love? It never lasts, this initial miracle. People stay together, and they have happiness, but the flame subdues to a quiet comfort, feeling of safety and warmth. It falls into a state of polarity- you start to fight, you wish to change the other. You make up. And finally you find a balance. Or maybe you don‘t. 
The impermanent world is such. Maybe I have become a slight cynic. At the same time I do believe people should share, should love each other, should help each other grow.

I have another lover. She is permanent. As long as I have a heart to feel, I will love Him. This love makes me fall to my knees, but without lowering myself; makes me cry, but only of happiness; makes me laugh, but only in awe and respect. My love for the Divine. Can I possibly measure it? Can anything else compare to it? She comprises all- He holds within himself all creatures, great or small, every leaf, stone, ant, snake, man, ape. Every contraction of music and every subtraction of silence. She only frustrates me with this- She cannot be put into words. He cannot be put into gender and yet I cannot say It, for that in linguistic terms means a lifeless thing. Yet nothing is lifeless about this All. There is nothing less lifeless than the All at all! How can I praise the Divine? How can I sing about the Divine? Only with my heart, only without words. Only by living.  

The thing I can describe is the love itself. I feel the love with me- I do not kneel to hope to get something- I receive total love by loving totally, by understanding. And this gift- this feeling of being loved so much, so completely, without boundaries, unconditionally, whatever I do, good or bad, for this Source, this Essence never judges you- this gift of being loved is what makes me love so much. This KNOWING of being loved makes me fall on my knees and live only for this love. In fact you can't even say- the universe loves me and I love the universe, because in this experience there is no lover and no beloved- it all mixes up and it comes together and there is nothing else but love, everything just IS love. Love that has nothing to do with giving, getting, being together or without, ownership, possession, hope, clinging, needing. Pure love, utter devotion that spreads so far and wide and deep that there is no receiver and no giver.

But then... 
2005

I become more of a hermit every day, each day I loathe the social mask I have to wear more and more. When I am in a room filled with people I see wild horses run past me, through me, beckoning me to jump on, they’re going to meet the stars in the dark nightly sky, and I cannot bear it. I want to fly too, alone and free.

Can you vomit up all the pain that comes from the nonsense, can you forcefully remove all that cold soulless existence that grows in you like a tumour? You eat and eat and eat (food and gossip and regret, the waves from the tv-set- the list is endless) to fill the void but as you become the junk in your belly, your whole being twists and turns and disgusts you so you throw it all up only to feel the void again. I guess for me the darkness beats the artificial light any day. It cannot be filled with the fake. I can learn to love companionship, I can even learn to like the sun, it has shown me its grace on occasions. Yet the night remains my master, my addiction, my only true friend. It’s a safe place for me to roam with all the other slugs and serpents, unseen and undisturbed.

And...

        How do you find the heat regulator button on the radiator and turn it from explosive to mild? Can you have burning passion, love and inspiration and loose its dark counter part of frustration, self-destruction and anger? Is there matter without antimatter? Or how do you rid yourself of the illusion of both?

        All I know is that there is such a huge dimension to the word feel at those times. I don’t just feel, I burn down to my very core of being. When I feel self-hatred it’s not a mild wallowing in pity, it’s the scream in the pillow, pulling hair and in the past self-hurt kind. Maybe it’s just life. If you want to taste life, smell it, feel it, hear it to the extreme then you will end up wanting to kill it. I desire the fear and fear the desire.

And...

I guess because I have come to understand that everyone suffers I have in some way ended up reaching an underlining level of peace in my mind. I have gained an understanding about the constant change that everything is subject to. How can you fight with the law of nature? All you can do is flow with the tide and surrender to the madness, give yourself up to the universe. 

At the same time it makes me so much more sensitive to seeing all the suffering in the world. It’s so strange- I thought that I was so lucky to gain an insight that will protect me from pain, but now I find that this has only opened me up to feeling EVERYONE’S hurt at the same time- what do you do with that? I walk on the street and I hear people shouting and screaming at each other, I see violence and it makes me cry, this blindness, the hurt that people cause themselves. If that is the salvation in the loss of ego then its grotesquely hilarious. But at the same time an inescapable fact I guess. On this earthly plain there is no pleasure without pain, never mind your vision and perspective, when the pleasure gets greater then so does the pain.

The strength of it is scary. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders so much that my head wants to explode, my neck longs to shatter into thousands of pieces.      


If death is not the answer and life kills you day by day then what do you do?

I’m numb. After one implosion, waiting another. I can sense it already though my awareness is concentrated on the level of my skin, as thick as an elephants.
Maybe the next one is the last. Does it matter? Joy is as far as the moon.

And..

Darkness. Guilt. Suffering. Sin.
        The winds are howling, battering the tiny birds as they fight to keep their direction. Not a soul outside, though its midday.
I sit in this moment and try to hold it. This desperate and beautiful moment. The atmosphere is dark and yet filled with little specks of carefree laughter, tiny bits of hope.
        Or is it my mind?
        I sit and I play with my vision like the wind is playing with the trees and the birds. Bending it, twisting and turning everything and yet not changing a thing. The birds will fly in a straight line, the trees will reach to the skies after the wind goes once again. My essence will remain constant. Nothing matters. How beautiful.

And..

Still 2005

Little glimpses of truth. I am chopping a tomato to make a fresh salad. My mind is empty, the thoughts have tired of themselves, time has gotten over it’s pompous self-delusion and has left me be. So all I do is chop a tomato. I do not think- I am chopping a tomato, I have quite forgotten words. But I am here, now, still, with a full awareness. And this way, suddenly- I am for the first time chopping a tomato. Quite unexpectedly I am filled with joy and peace. I know, this very instant, that the meaning of life is chopping a tomato. Chuckling I fall to a seat and sigh, “Thank you- tomato! Thank you- divine, for allowing me to chop into your essence!”  I have a fleeting feeling maybe I was actually chopping up myself. 

Somewhere in India, 2006

We are all free, nonexistent, without beginning and end. Bubbles of air, drops of water, grains of sand. Who am I? Who are you? Take a microscope and still you won’t find the answer. But in that ocean, cloud, in that desert of sand, nobody stands alone, separate. There are no quarrels or misunderstandings. This if we step out of our tiny little shell for a moment and look around. Or turn inward and take a look at our hearts. We will discover that someone has tried to pull our leg- nothing is as it seems, nowhere is the person we call “I”. 

And now? What happens now? Will all the storms in the world sail past me now? Of course not. But who will they shake? Who will they hurt? In fact are there any storms at all outside our own little inner world? Or do the rivers of suffering start from here and run into myself?

I have caught hold of the carriage of now and pulled myself to its comfy seat. This moment is the only one that exists, that matters. I, who have since childhood searched for a reason to be, have jumped from one view to another, like a piece of wood on stormy waves, a prey for the forces of nature, victim of my own emotions and passions, have reached the simple truth that no reason is necessary. The solidity of myself has separated me before from this truth, the search itself has prevented finding. Dissolved in the sea there are no more questions. Everything just is.  

And perhaps even a more wonderful realization- there are really no polarities. I have said that this is true before. I have believed that this is true before. I have even, in brief magical glimpses experienced that this is true, yet somehow I have never truly understood the real essence of this truth. If I am lost at any time in my life, then it only appears to my very limited consciousness then, at that moment, that I am lost, that I am not whole at the same time. I am simply playing the game of the cosmos- the appearing and the dissolving, blindness and vision, good and bad.  But that game itself is also a part of the divine essence. The divine is whole. So how did I think that when I didn’t have my mystical vision I was not whole? That when I was shaking with torrents of torture I was not also peacefully laughing? That when I was deeply ridden with all sorts of complexes and diseases I was not also shining with health, light and confidence. In reality all these are words, concepts, feelings. Ever-changing protrusions from the centre that doesn’t change. 

All that there is leaves me in deep awe. 

All that there is, is a playful dance of all the opposites, all the possibilities. A natural rhythm and energy. A heart, that goes on beating no matter where the legs run and how the hands bang and gesticulate.  A heart that keeps on beating no matter what dreams the head dreams.

...... October 2012

       My love came out of the night. How impassioned it was in those beginning stages! How painful was its beauty! I was a prayer then. Nothing else mattered. Days were obstacles cause I couldn't wait to fall to my knees and cherish. I was consumed by the union and I longed and needed the solitude that allowed it. 

      This love is not bound by the night anymore. The pendulum used to rock hard and fast from ecstasy to despair, it was such a difficult existence for many years, constantly torn up and then flinged to the heavens and torn up again by these extremes. I had no control whatsoever, I had no idea why the Divine had one day simply filled me from above, and I had no idea how to stop myself from falling into Hell. It was the opposite of constant at those times- namely because of that despair I felt when I was without it. It was all or nothing then. 
      When I wanted it all and devoured all the Universe I needed to empty myself after a while. It was a spiritual bulimia which then expressed itself as a physical bulimia. 
      When I had it all, then my mind collapsed into fear for a while- too high, too fast! It was a spiritual vertigo which then expressed itself as the physical vertigo also- the ground was literally falling and rising under my feet, I couldn't even work for a while, walking was a huge mile-stone I had to conquer again. In other words- with the spiritual gymnastics- the body follows- beware!
      It was a spiritual death which made me go out and test the limits of danger, to feel as alive as I possibly could. And then it was a spiritual birth which made me long for physical death. And again it was those moments when I was ready to give up that actually sparked Life! Death! Life! Death! Life!
      Yes, it was a passion then! 
      Yet it is through this rocking- that I know that there is no good or bad. Yet it's through the experience that the love remained by my side, saving me time and again from the ultimate threat I posed to myself- that I developed my absolute and unshakable trust in the Universe, my rock-solid faith that everything happens for the best, despite all the seeming suffering on the surface reality. 

     How can I describe my love now? It is such a quiet feeling now compared to all that, despite its stealthy strength. A silent under-current of everything. A saving grace for every disappointment, an indestructible net underneath every fall. The arms of this love always catch me. Every unpleasant thought is subdued by it. When before I loved to fall cause it meant first the void and then the flying and dissolution in ecstasy, then now I have  learned to love the simple walk on the ground of being. For some years, they can be called the stabilizing years I guess- I did not fall at all, and I was shocked by this, it was the polar opposite of what I knew and was used to. Of course life goes on and suffering returns. It returns so much smaller though, and more importantly- it returns within the loving arms of the Divine.       

      This feeling has spread out over a myriad of tempos and tonalities now. There is no frustration with describing it, cause there is no need to describe it- it is there, just there, in day-light and at night. Sometimes the awareness of it sleeps also. But when the sleep has lasted for longer than I can bear, for days or weeks, the love soars through my heart refreshed with such a tumultuous ecstasy that I still kneel, I still shout out to the heavens and laugh for hours with tears of gratitude rolling down my face. And I am grateful for the temporary solitude cause I get to feel the over-flowing joining. Its just that I don't need the rapture anymore, I am utterly happy to find the quiet energy of love behind small things.

       I am married to You- to Myself. No earthly love or the loss of it makes me suffer for long. Most of my friends are shocked at how fast I get over things. But they don't know about my real love, which encompasses and immortalizes these loves also. 
       I have no more ambitions in life cause You were my only ambition. I only want to live when I live, and to die when I die, with You by my side, around, within- 
       in Love.

The dance starts out slowly, fueled by a vague longing in the heart and a strong curiosity of mind.

The dance quickens into fire- both igniting and purging darkness.

The dance settles into the dance. 

Balance of the right and the left or understanding the mundane while throwing anchors into groundlessness

I recently heard a very simple and concise advice about living in a balanced way which nourishes your mind and growth the most.

Spend 1/3 of every day thinking with your rational mind. Perhaps we can call this the left-hemisphere thinking and living, when we function in a cause and effect aspect of the universe, in time, in sowing and reaping. We need this of course to perform our daily duties, in our work, which normally takes 8 hours anyway- perfect. Doing things for a purpose, supplying for the basic needs of ourselves and our family. We can also call this a quantitative way of living.

Spend the other 1/3 of the day on your intuitive mind or a qualitative way of living. Here we do not think about what we can gain by doing certain actions. Here the questions are- where am I coming from and mostly the very famous question- who am I? It is the time for self, but it doesn't mean selfishness for the third of your day, it means doing things in a way to access your true self so that even if you are with others and doing things for others, you are doing it from your essence. You cannot do anything good for others or have real relationships anyway, before you know how to be yourself and to be good to yourself.

In this state there is liberty for any type of action but the source and the manner of action is completely different and there is even no difference between action and non-action (being). Most people ignore their intuitive side of mind completely. Or even if they have the interest and inner need to search for the question who am I and to touch their own core and borders, thus being a true creator in life- they still do it with the same habitual process of looking for gain ie doing meditation to gain enlightenment or praying to receive favourable after-death state or painting to sell the picture or singing in the manner that pleases the crowd etc etc. This will not bring results cause you cannot expect a right-brain result from a left-brain action even if this is simplifying. Its just easier to understand that as sensing timelessness is a right brain ability, it is the left hemisphere which moves in time and doing an action for a result. 

Knowledge is also useless to us at this time of day. The belief in the usefulness of knowledge is so inbred into us that this causes difficulties for most people. What do you mean knowledge is useless? Intelligence and IQ useless.. But then how can I know? How can I understand.. It takes time to know that wisdom has nothing to do with anything from the outside world. It takes practice to realise that our intellect, pure intellect, which needs not have huge amounts of stored information, but simply sparks of intuitive understanding/knowing/feeling (very hard to find the right word here), is actually beyond cleverness and learnedness. And how much practice it requires to do the one thing really necessary- to simply let go of all of that. 

And the rest of the day is spent of course on sleep.

For me personally its been quite difficult to find the "middle way", the balance. Either I was at work in a groundless state and wishing to continue the timeless feeling, treating the ground as a hateful place, which needless to say resulted in frustration.  

Or in fact getting too grounded to the day-to-day existence and losing the link to the Divine, mostly by simple forgetfulness. Feeling numb and subconsciously alienated cause the link has been lost to myself, the true self- peace, freedom, openness, the sky-mind. 

Of course one can only be grateful for that feeling of dissatisfaction, frustration and numbness- that helps you back to yourself!

Two recipes for the two imbalances have helped me.

In the first case- understanding. Understanding that we are human beings, made for the material ground of learning, able to move forward fast BECAUSE of the quick and forceful lessons of earthly matters, let it be an illusion but what an illuminating illusion it is! How we learn and grow through love and loss, through myriads of emotions, and also by the feeling of time and how all things change. How blessed we are to be frail little humans! I used to only wish to fly, fly, fly and be joined with the eternal always. I later understood that I wasn't really living anymore cause I was constantly living in a sort of death-state. I was living an extreme life where my time in solitude was a bliss and my every-day dealings pure hell and there was no middle ground. It takes time to produce something timeless, a conundrum as it may sound- duality takes us to the understanding of non-duality and the separateness to the unity of different polarities. It is always a combination and balance of the mundane and the divine that show us the necessities of both the shallow and the deep, the heaven and earth, the feminine and masculine sides, in other words yin and yang.

In short- knowing through experience and intellect that falling is just as good as rising up and suffering is not a curse, something to find escape from, but in fact the only thing that truly makes us grow.

And second I've found it very useful to know myself and to recognise my anchors to the groundless state, which remind me and let me fall back into my real self most often and with ease. These anchors are personal for us all. We can all think back and determine- which sights, experiences, actions, places etc have made us feel most that we are at peace, happy, without worries, free, and make these anchors our daily friends. The following are mine just as an example. What are yours?

Personal anchors for me to getting to sense the divine-

Travel. I often think of myself as a rolling stone and familiarity and staying still grows on me as a moss of un-clarity and unidentified frustrations. But the very minute I am rolling again, every one of those falls off as if by magic. Physical freedom and meeting the unknown are intensely purifying experiences if you are thus inclined.

Watching the sky. Mainly the nightly sky and stars- I can imagine that if sky had always been covered by clouds we would have perhaps never progressed to the state of wonder and feeling of eternity. 

Watching the birds fly is my definite anchor- how amazing to have those inspiring creatures always remind you that freedom is right here and right now.

Of course breath. Following the breath from very start to finish can be all we need to enter the core of yourself.

Silence. 

Nature. Especially the open planned vistas of the wide seas, deserts and mountains.

Like-minded souls, in a direct or indirect medium of books, videos, lectures. (I am thoroughly grateful for a place like multiply and BT among those! :))

There can never be a real recipe for happiness but its good to find some guide-lines for sustaining the balance. :)

C.G.Jung- "The Red Book". Oh awe! Oh soul!

I see these images and my heart skips a beat. What can this be? How can this be? 

Of course it is "The Red Book" by C.G.Jung, published 2009, I am only 2 years late for where I was always meant to come.

The first words of Carl Gustav Jung's Red Book are "The way of what is to come."

What follows is 16 years of the psychoanalyst's dive into the unconscious mind, a challenge to what he considered Sigmund Frued's — his former mentor's — isolated world view. Far from a simple narrative, the Red Book is Jung's voyage of discovery into his deepest self.

The voyage began at age 11. "On my way to school," Jung recalled in 1959, "I stepped out of a mist and I knew I am. I am what I am. And then I thought, 'But what have I been before?' And then I found that I had been in a mist, not knowing to differentiate myself from things; I was just one thing among many things."

Thirty years later, Jung had a bookbinder make an enormous volume covered in red leather into which he poured his explorations into himself. These explorations included some psychedelic drawings of mythical characters of his dreams and waking fantasies — explorations that Jung feared would make people think him mad.

It took Jungian scholar Dr. Sonu Shamdasani three years to convince Jung's family to bring the book out of hiding. It took another 13 years to translate it.

And still, the Red Book remains incomplete. The last word Jung wrote in the Red Book is "moglichkeit," or possibility.

Can you call this quivering frantic bird in my chest a heart at this stage?? I feel like I have seen these images though I haven't, in fact I feel they have haunted me in my unconscious. I came to this through looking up the connection of dreams-snakes-Jung and here! A vision! Somehow it seems that the questions that have plagued me about my own unconscious are finally ready to be answered by no other than by the greatest psycho-analyst of all time.

And then I read... Page 2, The Red Book

"The door of the Mysterium has closed behind me. I feel that my will is paralyzed and that the spirit of the depths possesses me. I know nothing about a way. I can therefore neither want this nor that, since nothing indicates to me whether I want this or that. I wait, without knowing what I'm waiting for.."

I have no words at this point, I'm sure if I looked closely I would actually see my heart trying to jump out of my chest. This is precisely the state I have been in for perhaps years now, perhaps my whole life. I haven't really been able to speak these words, but here they are. In fact I feel this is the state most of humanity has been occupying, Jung knew it would be and he saw into this collective unconscious state.

I have doubts as to why this book wasn't published sooner, cause every instinct in me, from subtle to course, every breath of intuition I ever had- tells me this is not only the most important book of the last century but the most important book for us NOW, this very instant. In this way perhaps it has come out precisely when it had to come out. 

I have doubts as to why this book is preposterously expensive, for being as important as it is.

But I have no doubts as to this- I will not get peace till I finish reading it. :)

Most definitely will be follow-ups to this after.

Alan Watts talks about enlightenment

This is one of my favourite clips by him on the subject, from a talk called "Limits of Language".

Musical background- "Love" by John Coltrane from the album "Meditations", why- because no other music other than jazz really does Alan Watts justice.

Images from flickr.com

Music with a message...

has always been my favourite kind of music, even though of course at the end of the day music IS the message, I guess I'm a sucker for an extra punch-line (or maybe its just being a sort of a natural born hippie :)). Luckily there have been so many artists through history who have given us this gift of inspiration and wanting to make a difference. From the Beatles to the Rage Against the Machine, from Bob Marley to Faithless, from Bob Dylan to spiritual music as a genre the list is endless, in every genre there are prophets through sound, teachers via lyrics. 

So just sharing a couple of beautiful lyrical messages that have made me smile recently. 

The seven Essene mirrors

"We live in an action/reaction world known as the Plane of Demonstration where consciousness creates reality. We manifest and magnetize people and events into our lives according to our consciousness.

The Seven Essene Mirrors is a way of understanding how this process works. We can use what seem to be negative experiences as stepping-stones to healing and empowerment. “When life rolls boulders, build stairs.”

FIRST MIRROR reflects to us that which we are. It is something we ourselves are doing or where we ourselves have been in error or wounded.

SECOND MIRROR reflects to us that which we judge. It is something we have an emotional charge with, something we have either been wounded by in the past and have not forgiven. It is good to discern; however if we judge and condemn with an emotional charge, we will attract exactly what we judge into our lives.

THIRD MIRROR reflects back to us something we Lost, Gave Away, or had Taken Away. When we see something we love and desire in another, it is often something we have lost, given away or had stolen in our own lives. Every relationship is a relationship with self and often we try to reclaim what was lost, we gave away, or had taken away as a child. It could be joy, innocence, honesty and integrity, courage or love. All of which can be reclaimed within self.

FOURTH MIRROR reflects back to us our most forgotten love. This could be a way of life, a lost or unfinished relationship. Often it is a past life where a wrong conclusion from past experience was created. These will recreate themselves over and over until the right conclusion is registered in the soul as wisdom.

FIFTH MIRROR reflects back to us Father/Mother. It is often said we marry our father or mother. We also often become them acting out the same healthy and unhealthy patterns we learned as a child. Our fathers and mothers to us as children are Gods. It will often reflect the same relationship we have with others and the Father/Mother God principle.

SIXTH MIRROR reflects back to us the Quest for Darkness or what is often referred to as the Dark Night of the Soul. This is when we meet our greatest challenges, our greatest fears and have been gathering the tools and understandings in life to confront them. God never gives one any more than they can handle and we have a choice in every experience to greet it as a powerful manifesting God/Goddess or a victim.

SEVENTH MIRROR reflects back to us our self-perception. Others will perceive and treat us according to how we perceive and treat ourselves. If we have a low self-esteem and do not acknowledge our wisdom and beauty, others will not acknowledge them. If we are angry, bitter and unloving to others, they in turn will often react in the same way towards us. If we change our perception of ourselves, we change the world. Maybe it is time to be kind, loving and compassionate to ourselves and others. Remember the saying, “The only reason anyone has power over you is you want something from them.” Whether it be love, joy, or a personal God connection, maybe that something can be found within…" 

By James Gilliland 

source

While not a Christian I find this text too profound and insightful not to share... Wonderful teaching, such a great tool for us to find ways of understanding of why a particular relationships is in our lives, especially if its a difficult one. These are indeed what I feel the relationships of the most powerful kind, sacred contracts which help the souls to grow.

Every day the road is new..

Many times, as I’m on the way to work, riding a bus and walking through the same streets day by day, I feel deeply at peace and in a blissful state. At home in this perpetual movement, I feel a tremendously satisfying unity with everything and everyone that passes through and by. 

At other times that connectedness grows to a level of being too sensitive to it all. Suddenly overwhelmed by the energies of every random stranger that passes me by, I am tossed from feeling their sadness, their bitterness, their anger, their grief, guilt- in a rapid movement I feel thrown through the emotional suffering of person after person, it is not an easy experience to go through at all. The most heart-breaking moment of it is when it settles from feeling each person to feeling the whole over-all energy of all the people that I pass- it is always one of hopelessness, tiredness, loneliness, loss- this is the generic background feeling from each of my intuitive moments. Its an empty feeling. It is a cold place. And I have to hold myself back from shouting out loud- you are alive, each and every one of you miracle beings, wonderful life-seeds- you are blessed with life, with this wonderful planet! It’s a gift. 

But I don’t.

Cause I know that it’s a game that everybody has chosen to play.

And then there are those other times. The times when I myself am playing the game. When I walk as if on an alien planet. When I feel alone myself, the odd one out, the one who just doesn’t fit. This is a curse for all of us spiritual beings I know, it is a hard experience to live within a majority who does not understand, yet anyway. What I feel though is that this same sensitivity and the life-path of aspiring towards being full-fledged human spirit has to bare this cross, in fact it is part of our growth. We would not have the inner inclination to walk our own way, no matter the loneliness of that path, UNLESS we also had the strength to be ok with that. We are never given more than we can handle.

Its always the same road that I take to work. And every day the the road is new. Cause it is we who are in movement. It is a wave through ease and difficulty. But let the light on the path grow through all the waving. It will, even if you seem to be pulled and pushed, back and forth, day by day you take a tiny step towards the light, even if for the moment that truth is blocked, and thats all that is needed.

My non-vows of spiritual living

Life is my Guru.
I surrender to it with love and with trust and follow it with joyful participation wherever it might lead me. Through fire and storms, in sickness and in health. In darkness and in light.
Death too won't part us.
Life gently nudges the small me thus, to see who I am, to see that it is the real me in fact who is the guru for life.

Pain and Awareness are my secondary teachers.
I surrender to pain too whenever it finds a blindness in me ready to be pointed out. Diving into it I will obediently look where I'm told to look, straight in the face of every fear and every blockage. Suffering never tries to lead me on, compliment me or keep me at a stand-still, relentlessly and loyally it pushes up blind-spots and illusions to the blistering day-light, transforming all with the help of understanding. Awareness itself seems not enough with deeper scars and mutilations of the mind. Pain is the added energy to cut through the blocks that have grown there for years.

Love is my Reason.
Life IS love. There isn't an ounce of energy in action not propelled by love. Why do the birds sing, why does the Universe multiply and (and we here too ;)), why do we keep at it though no reason is apparent and through all the suffering if not for love of ourselves, love of existence, love of our inner essence. Yes, life is love and we are but dancers to its sweet tune.

And at the end of the day, when the songs have been sung, and the daily lessons taken, I go home to Silence.
The chords are varied and innumerable yet their return is always inevitable. The knowledge of the sweet bosom of the Void is glimpsed at every pause and actualized at every homecoming. In moments of solitude, of silent being, of total rest, I am complete.

I know that there is fear and desire and feel those at times, for we are human beings and gravity does have its rules.  I will play because there is all the time in the world, so enough to play too, to risk it, to feel blood and excitement and adrenalin coursing through the body. There is nothing wrong with playing, it is the natural state. The trick is to always remain in the present moment so that you do not desire your games nor fear their ending.  I will not be shackled by fear unless it is pointing to a lesson that I have already learned. For in reality- what is there to be afraid of?

And saying even this little, I know that too much has been said. Too many concepts still.
No need for concepts, opinions, religions, vows. Truth is silent. No peace is greater than the peace of "I don't know".

All the paths are the right paths.

Blessings to all!

The flower that blooms from the soil of despair

Sometimes we have to wait for a very long time to face our monsters. A hurt can set a wheel of becoming into motion and then disappear from view, because perhaps all that was needed was one shocking dose of deep pain to carve the heart bare, empty, vulnerable. A rigid heart which is sure of itself cannot receive, grow, or learn- pain is always needed. The false strengths we were made to believe when we built up our egos needed to be exposed and we now need to start the search for the true strength.

The heart contracts into a tiny little wounded muscle, then develops its own defence mechanisms, usually builds a shell around for protection. Time goes by and new hurts grow out of the initial hurt. This time the hurts consist of the rigid boundaries we ourselves have made in defence of the monsters that are not even there anymore. It is our own reaction that begins to hurt us.

So we go through another contraction, we may find a new enemy- ourselves. But time pushes the wheel on and on, there is no pause in the procedure going on within our own operating room.

We were walking in darkness ever since the loss of the first battle, but because pain will not give up on us and forces us to come to a conclusion, to a dissolution of itself, we now  begin to see a light, a small glimmer at first, then similar to a torch, at last blazing clear and bright. The light of truth. And the rocky road is smoothed out, slowly but surely.

It is ourselves that choose our experiences in this world. We tend to think that if anything bad happens to a child, it is never a child's fault. This is true but when we think this way then we leave a presumption within that it must have been somebody else's fault. This attitude is like trying to learn the book of the language of ourselves in the dark. We do not consider that on a much deeper level it might have been a choice of the spirit of the human being. When the light has been turned on then we see the truth- spirit is born pure, wise, and already from the first moments always CHOOSING his or her experiences. It may be difficult to believe, but it can be known.

Never give up. You may be tested and put face to face with the monsters and you may fail to see them as the angels that they are. But a time will come, when you will be ready. A time will come when the monsters will stand in front of you, and you will feel only love and forgiveness, you will feel your trampled on spirit rising up and facing those who have hurt you the most, with nothing but love within your heart and with a throat full of "Thank you." And they may be just the same as they were, still lost, still desperately fumbling around in the dark, without even realising that their darkness has served as a light on somebody else's path. They may know nothing of the magnitude of the process that they started and which helped you find the first truth of Life- we must and are able to love everyone and everything in this Universe and this is all that matters, our greatest power, from which all else will unfold. They may not even remember you. But when that moment comes and your spirit rises to meet theirs, they will suddenly turn around and walk away from you, forgetting why it was they were trying to approach you again. Their job is complete. And you...

You will follow their disappearing figure with your grateful eyes and truly know that there is no wrong, or bad in this world, there is no evil. The dam of "the unforgivable" is swept down by the real force of your openly given forgiveness-  this is your true strength. And the black soil of Pain has grown a pure white petaled flower of Love.