Meeting the inner child and the outer parent

Photo-Richard Heeks

Pain comes up into bubbles...

Bubbles come up into air... 

I have recently realized how much of an "insight" meditation Vipassana meditation really is.

We, the waking spirits, who are no longer deep in slumber, yet not constantly present and in the fullness of now either, have to wonder with our minds- where are these invisible obstacles, what is it that is holding us back, why do we have to fall, can we not just always fly, why do we fall back to the old tracks of behavior, why do we lose patience and peace. It is lovely- to know the peace is longer, the fullness closer at hand, yet where are those hidden magnets- we want to soar at all times, we think we know how! Digging in the psyche it is always the childhood we get back to, the formative years, the upsets of the inner child.

Vipassana shows this in the level of the body, it is wondrous how perfectly the mind and body are aligned. We observe the subtle and oh-so-pleasant free-flow of energy on our body, but just as we get into it- POP! A bubble. The flow of awareness is stopped by a painful hard obstacle. Oh- the unpleasant pain of it to the sensitive mind pinpointed on a single tiny area of matter/energy! The thought of unpleasantness resulting in another instant POP, and soon we are rigid, solid, there is no way for the awareness now, it is again crippled, again stuck in solid matter where it has to cut through with force and move at a speed of a turtle. No more gliding through our own bodies alive and buzzing with its vibratory wave, now transforming into a bulldozer and ramming through as if we are our own obstacle. Perhaps we are.

We have to meet our inner child I feel. The one standing in the corner of our mind, hiding, waiting. The innocent one robbed of their innocence. The one born timeless taught time. The confident being who was shown they are not worthy. The one full of love unloved. The big reduced to tiny, the one who knew oneness and was shown one less. It is the nature of this world to create this abandoned creature. It is the role of the parents to show us the nature of the manifest world of duality.

The roots are dug deep, and we are usually scared to tackle them. It is difficult as well cause of all the coping mechanisms we have built. The deepest fears and pains of the ego- I am not worthy, I am not lovable- these had to have a solution even as a child and to tackle them now as a grown up- is hard. But inevitable. All roads lead to this point I feel. 

And it is a tricky point, it is a deep pit. How many times have I thought I have forgiven my parents. I was so full of the Universe then that everything dissolved, the inner child was at home. But the world and time keeps pushing up. More bubbles. Pop. Pop.

Do we take time to really face our parents? I have met some who have, it has usually been on their death bed, with a few first honest words spoken, and then onto another pain- grieving. 

Can we look eye to eye with them, soul to soul with them? Can we tell them how we felt as a child with no blame, can we take responsibility of our own response mechanisms if those have cost them pain in return? Can we talk to them past the roles that we play, past the huge bulk of hidden and unhidden baggage?

It is not about understanding. I understand perfectly well that my parents did what they knew best, acting from their own hurts and fears, walking on their own path, dealing with their own lessons. At the end of the day I do believe that both the parents and the children have chosen each other. Parents- to widen their own lessons of soul; children to learn a particular lesson of soul which heightens the journey, whether it is abandonment, abuse, absence, clinging, dependence... We chose and we received. There is no blame. The clarity of understanding makes it even more difficult to know exactly how to untangle the roots. How ironic to face meeting the first people we ever glimpsed, felt, touched- last.

There is only one way and it is honest and open communication. With both the inner child and the outer parent. 

The yin and the yang. 

Bubble after bubble, 

Bursting in the air.. 

Self-sabotage

Today I've been thinking about self-sabotage, the age-old enemy that many people see as their monster in the cupboard. Or is it?

I myself can identify with most of the common ways said to imply self-sabotage- procastrination, feeling stuck or without a purpose, driving away relationships etc. Check the article about this here- The top 7 Signs Of Self-sabotaging behaviour

So what can we do about this? Often I find that as soon as I realize I am self-sabotaging once again, my behaviour changes, self-awareness as always seems to be the key. Our reasons for self-sabotage are all a little different- working through your past to understand ourselves and getting down to the nitty gritty with our deepest fears... Whenever I find myself testing a relationship and pushing the boundaries, I try to remind myself that I am once again presented with an opportunity to heal the deepest issues from childhood, viewing the whole situation not as an obstacle but as a blessing. A healthier attitude is also shown in this

following article by C. Devin Hastings, I have yet to form an opinion about NLP but we can all take the first step by simply re-evaluating this concept a little.

"Have you ever said or felt that one of the following statements is true about you?

 

“How come I can’t lose weight” (control my temper/get up on time/or whatever).

 

“What’s wrong with me?  I know I shouldn’t do that.”

 

“I must be sabotaging myself (again).”

 

When I ask students in my classes if and of the above is true for them, I usually get a large variety of similar self-talk patterns. 

 

What is striking in every class I have taught around the U.S. and overseas, is that every person raises their hand when I next ask them if they have ever, at least once, engaged in self-sabotage. 

 

Self-sabotage (dark, deep inner forces over which we have no control) is a concept that was created by Sigmund Freud, the ‘Father Of Modern Mental Health’.  Just for the record, Freud snorted a lot of cocaine and really didn’t like women so, I find his ‘mental health’ theories just a tad suspect. 

 

The point here is that a frightening number of people subscribe to the belief that they were created with an inner terrorist that forces them to ‘self-sabotage’.  What a terrible way to live.

 

Think about it: If a person truly believes in self-sabotage, then what chance do they really have to change and be happy?  This ‘SS’ force (self-sabotage force) has all the characteristics of something that one really can’t control.  And, this uncontrollable force doesn’t even like the person in which it resides!

 

Here’s the truth about self-sabotage: It does not exist.  There simply is no such thing as self-sabotage. 

 

Now, when I say this in my classes, there is always a “lively” debate that ensues.  It seems that some people are hell bent are keeping their limitations and as some wag once said: “If you argue for your limitations, you get to keep them.”

 

However, for those people who are open-minded, their brains fall out.  Ha ha.  Just kidding.  I wanted to see if you were really reading this.

 

Seriously though, for those of you who are curious about challenging and changing a harmful, long held belief, then the following idea may be valuable to you: Self-sabotage does not exist because in reality, it is just a terrible and incorrect name for “inner miscommunication”.  

 

You see, self-sabotage is a ‘label’ for essential, unchangeable unworthiness.  And we all live up, or down to, labels we have about ourselves.

 

Speaking of harmful and inaccurate labels, do you think that you (or someone you know) have flaws? 

 

Most people answer, “Sure.  We’re only human so it’s normal to have flaws.”

 

Here’s the flaw with having flaws: Thinking they are real is very damaging because doing so is the emotional equivalent of staring at the sun in that it blinds a person to change. 

 

Thinking that you have flaws reinforces the idea of a deep unworthiness because a flaw is intrinsic and hence, very tough if not impossible, to change.

 

The point is this: Thinking that one has flaws is emotionally crippling because it perpetuates the whole self-sabotage belief pattern.

 

What if, instead, you (or someone you know) had ‘growth opportunities’?  Doesn’t that feel better?  Can you see how that label makes much more sense? 

 

Many people feel this new definition click into place because they deeply sense (in spite of an inner critical voice) that “growth opportunities” is a true description of reality.

 

Isn’t it true that flaws are limiting?  However, ‘growth opportunities’ nicely invite a person to accept that their current behaviour is what it is and that it does not have to be permanent.  The great thing about this more accurate perception of reality is that it gives a person a real opportunity to grow and change.

 

Now, let’s get back to self-sabotage.  As I said, it is a state of inner miscommunication based on an inaccurate message of worthiness that originated from some time in our past.  In other words, we have learned to incorrectly talk to ourselves about our-Self. 

 

And keep this important fact in mind:  As children, we are born with the tendency to like ourselves.  However, “as the twig is bent, so grows the tree” and most of us learn to talk to ourselves in ways that do not affirm our self-worth. 

 

In fact, some of us learned at a very young age that we, for some inexplicable reason, are born with terrible flaws and hence are unworthy.  (Womb experiences are very important but beyond the scope of this article.)

 

However, the truth is that children are created liking themselves.  As far as they are concerned, there is nothing wrong with them and they naturally give and expect healthy love because that is how they are made. 

 

Only some time later do many of us stop expecting healthy love and/or we develop odd ideas about what giving love is (to ourselves as well as others).  It is at this point when damaging inner miscommunication becomes entrenched."

Source article HERE, also with NLP techniques to eliminate self-sabotage.

The flower that blooms from the soil of despair

Sometimes we have to wait for a very long time to face our monsters. A hurt can set a wheel of becoming into motion and then disappear from view, because perhaps all that was needed was one shocking dose of deep pain to carve the heart bare, empty, vulnerable. A rigid heart which is sure of itself cannot receive, grow, or learn- pain is always needed. The false strengths we were made to believe when we built up our egos needed to be exposed and we now need to start the search for the true strength.

The heart contracts into a tiny little wounded muscle, then develops its own defence mechanisms, usually builds a shell around for protection. Time goes by and new hurts grow out of the initial hurt. This time the hurts consist of the rigid boundaries we ourselves have made in defence of the monsters that are not even there anymore. It is our own reaction that begins to hurt us.

So we go through another contraction, we may find a new enemy- ourselves. But time pushes the wheel on and on, there is no pause in the procedure going on within our own operating room.

We were walking in darkness ever since the loss of the first battle, but because pain will not give up on us and forces us to come to a conclusion, to a dissolution of itself, we now  begin to see a light, a small glimmer at first, then similar to a torch, at last blazing clear and bright. The light of truth. And the rocky road is smoothed out, slowly but surely.

It is ourselves that choose our experiences in this world. We tend to think that if anything bad happens to a child, it is never a child's fault. This is true but when we think this way then we leave a presumption within that it must have been somebody else's fault. This attitude is like trying to learn the book of the language of ourselves in the dark. We do not consider that on a much deeper level it might have been a choice of the spirit of the human being. When the light has been turned on then we see the truth- spirit is born pure, wise, and already from the first moments always CHOOSING his or her experiences. It may be difficult to believe, but it can be known.

Never give up. You may be tested and put face to face with the monsters and you may fail to see them as the angels that they are. But a time will come, when you will be ready. A time will come when the monsters will stand in front of you, and you will feel only love and forgiveness, you will feel your trampled on spirit rising up and facing those who have hurt you the most, with nothing but love within your heart and with a throat full of "Thank you." And they may be just the same as they were, still lost, still desperately fumbling around in the dark, without even realising that their darkness has served as a light on somebody else's path. They may know nothing of the magnitude of the process that they started and which helped you find the first truth of Life- we must and are able to love everyone and everything in this Universe and this is all that matters, our greatest power, from which all else will unfold. They may not even remember you. But when that moment comes and your spirit rises to meet theirs, they will suddenly turn around and walk away from you, forgetting why it was they were trying to approach you again. Their job is complete. And you...

You will follow their disappearing figure with your grateful eyes and truly know that there is no wrong, or bad in this world, there is no evil. The dam of "the unforgivable" is swept down by the real force of your openly given forgiveness-  this is your true strength. And the black soil of Pain has grown a pure white petaled flower of Love.