Warrior of Light- Paolo Coelho

Painting from summer 2012, I think I shall name it "Alchemy", and will elaborate on it in some later blog perhaps... It simply seemed to fit the theme

Excerpts from "Manual of the Warrior of Light" by Paolo Coelho


A warrior of light knows that he has much to be grateful for.
He was helped in his struggle by the angels; celestial forces placed each thing
in its place, thus allowing him to give of his best.
His companions say: 'He's so lucky!' And the warrior does sometimes achieve
things far beyond his capabilities.
That is why, at sunset, he kneels and gives thanks for the Protective Cloak
surrounding him.
His gratitude, however, is not limited to the spiritual world; he never forgets
his friends, for their blood mingled with his on the battlefield.
A warrior does not need to be reminded of the help given him by others; he is
the first to remember and makes sure to share with them any rewards he receives.


A warrior of light knows that certain moments repeat themselves.
He often finds himself faced by the same problems and situations, and seeing
these difficult situations return, he grows depressed, thinking that he is incapable of
making any progress in life.
'I've been through all this before,' he says to his heart.
'Yes, you have been through all this before,' replies his heart. 'But you have
never been beyond it.'
Then the warrior realises that these repeated experiences have but one aim: to
teach him what he does not want to learn.


A warrior of light is never predictable.
He might dance down the street on his way to work, gaze into the eyes of a
complete stranger and speak of love at first sight, or else defend an apparently absurd
idea. Warriors of light allow themselves days like these.
He is not afraid to weep over ancient sorrows or to feel joy at new discoveries.
When he feels that the moment has arrived, he drops everything and goes off on some
long-dreamed-of adventure. When he realises that he can do no more, he abandons the
fight, but never blames himself for having committed a few unexpected acts of folly.
A warrior does not spend his days trying to play the role that others have
chosen for him.


Warriors of light always keep a certain gleam in their eyes.
They are of this world, they are part of the lives of other people and they set
out on their journey with no saddlebags and no sandals. They are often cowardly.
They do not always make the right decisions.
They suffer over the most trivial things, they have mean thoughts and
sometimes believe they are incapable of growing. They frequently deem themselves
unworthy of any blessing or miracle.
They are not always quite sure what they are doing here. They spend many
sleepless nights, believing that their lives have no meaning.
That is why they are warriors of light. Because they make mistakes. Because
they ask themselves questions. Because they are looking for a reason - and are sure to
find it.


The moment that he begins to walk along it, the warrior of light recognises the
Path.
Each stone, each bend cries welcome to him. He identifies with the mountains
and the streams, he sees something of his own soul in the plants and the animals and
the birds of the field.
Then, accepting the help of God and of God's Signs, he allows his Personal
Legend to guide him towards the tasks that life has reserved for him.
On some nights, he has nowhere to sleep, on others, he suffers from insomnia.
'That's just how it is,' thinks the warrior. 'I was the one who chose to walk this path.'
In these words lies all his power: he chose the path along which he is walking
and so has no complaints.


Every warrior of light has felt afraid of going into battle.
Every warrior of light has, at some time in the past, lied or betrayed someone.
Every warrior of light has trodden a path that was not his.
Every warrior of light has suffered for the most trivial of reasons.
Every warrior of light has, at least once, believed that he was not a warrior of
light.
Every warrior of light has failed in his spiritual duties.
Every warrior of light has said 'yes' when he wanted to say 'no'.
Every warrior of light has hurt someone he loved.
That is why he is a warrior of light, because he has been through all this and
yet has never lost hope of being better than he is.


A warrior of light is never indifferent to injustice.
He knows that all is one and that each individual action affects everyone on
the planet. That is why, when confronted by the suffering of others, he uses his sword
to restore order.
But even though he fights against oppression, at no point does he attempt to
judge the oppressor. Each person will answer for his actions before God and so, once
the warrior has completed his task, he makes no further comment.
A warrior of light is in the world in order to help his fellow man and not in
order to condemn his neighbour


A warrior of light is never in a hurry.
Time works in his favour; he learns to master his impatience and avoids acting
without thinking.
By walking slowly, he becomes aware of the firmness of his step. He knows
that he is taking part in a decisive moment in the history of humanity and that he
needs to change himself before he can transform the world. That is why he remembers
the words of Lanza del Vasto: 'A revolution takes time to settle in.'
A warrior never picks the fruit while it is still green.


The warrior of light knows the importance of intuition.
In the midst of battle, he does not have time to think about the enemy's blows,
and so he uses his instinct and obeys his angel.
In times of peace, he deciphers the signs that God sends him.
People say: 'He's mad.'
Or: 'He lives in a fantasy world.'
Or even: 'How can he possibly believe in such illogical things?'
But the warrior knows that intuition is God's alphabet and he continues
listening to the wind and talking to the stars.


For the warrior there is no such thing as an impossible love.
He is not intimidated by silence, indifference or rejection. He knows that,
behind the mask of ice that people wear, there beats a heart of fire.
This is why the warrior takes more risks than other people. He is constantly
seeking the love of someone, even if that means often having to hear the word 'No',
returning home defeated and feeling rejected in body and soul.
A warrior never gives in to fear when he is searching for what he needs.
Without love, he is nothing.


The warrior of light is a believer.
Because he believes in miracles, miracles begin to happen. Because he is sure
that his thoughts can change his life, his life begins to change. Because he is certain
that he will find love, that love appears.
Now and then, he is disappointed. Sometimes, he gets hurt.
Then he hears people say: 'He's so ingenuous!'
But the warrior knows that it is worth it. For every defeat, he has two victories
in his favour.
All believers know this.


The warrior of light has learned that it is best to follow the light.
He has behaved treacherously, he has lied, he has strayed from the path, he has
courted darkness. And everything was fine, as if nothing had happened.
Then an abyss suddenly opens up; you can take a thousand steps in safety, but
just one step too many can put an end to everything. Then the warrior stops before he
destroys himself.
When he makes that decision, he hears four comments: 'You always do the
wrong thing. You're too old to change. You're no good. You don't deserve it.'
He looks up at the sky. And a voice says: 'My dear, everyone makes mistakes.
You're forgiven, but I cannot force that forgiveness on you. It's your choice.'
The true warrior of light accepts that forgiveness.


The warrior of light is always trying to improve.
Every blow of his sword carries with it centuries of wisdom and meditation.
Every blow needs to have the strength and skill of all the warriors of the past who,
even today, continue to bless the struggle. Each movement during combat honours the
movements that the previous generations tried to transmit through the Tradition.
The warrior develops the beauty of his blows.


A warrior of light is reliable.
He makes a few mistakes, he sometimes thinks he is more important than he
really is, but he does not lie.
When people gather round the fire, he talks to his friends, male and female. He
knows that his words are stored in the memory of the Universe, like a testimony of
what he thinks.
And the warrior asks himself: 'Why do I talk so much, when often I am
incapable of carrying out everything I say?'
His heart replies: 'When you defend your ideas in public, you then have to
make an effort to live accordingly.'
It is because he believes that he is what he says he is that the warrior ends up
becoming precisely that.


The warrior of light is terrified when it comes to making important decisions.
'This is too much for you,' says a friend. 'Go on, be brave,' says another. And
so his doubts grow.
After some days of anxiety, he withdraws to the corner of his tent where he
usually sits to meditate and pray. He sees himself in the future. He sees the people
who will benefit or be harmed by his attitude. He does not want to cause pointless
suffering, but nor does he want to abandon the path.
The warrior allows the decision to reveal itself.
If he has to say 'yes', he will say it bravely. If he has to say 'no', he will say it
without a trace of cowardice.


The warrior of light is now waking from his dream.
He thinks: 'I do not know how to deal with this light that is making me grow.'
The light, however, does not disappear.
The warrior thinks: 'Changes must be made that I do not feel like making.'
The light remains, because 'feel' is a word full of traps.
Then the eyes and heart of the warrior begin to grow accustomed to the light.
It no longer frightens him and he finally accepts his own Legend, even if this means
running risks.
The warrior has been asleep for a long time. It is only natural that he should
wake up very gradually.


The warrior of light has learned that God uses solitude to teach us how to live
with other people.
He uses rage to show us the infinite value of peace. He uses boredom to
underline the importance of adventure and spontaneity.
God uses silence to teach us to use words responsibly. He uses tiredness so
that we can understand the value of waking up. He uses illness to underline the
blessing of good health.
God uses fire to teach us about water. He uses earth so that we can understand
the value of air. He uses death to show us the importance of life.

Causal reactions and all-encompassing Buddha nature

This one is going to be a controversial blog to others as much as it will be to myself.

I was re-listening to a wonderful Alan Watts lecture tonight "Zen Bones" which ends with a Zen poem.

He who would understand the meaning of Buddha nature

must watch for the seasons 

and for causal relations. 

Every voice is the voice of Buddha, 

every form is the Buddha form.

I felt it, I knew it. So I wanted to test it.

I chose the most awful experience I could get my hands on. To make it my meditation tonight.

This is a video which has made me suffer above all sights, animals are my true weakness, my love for them goes past even the love for humans. So this is truly intolerable cruelty for me. It has made me cry, shout and scream in anger, awful extreme rage. 

It was different- to watch it. Absolutely different. What I ended up with was this realization.

My reaction is also a season, a causal reaction, also a Buddha form, just as the cruelty on display, just as the suffering on display. Whatever the reaction is.

The sadistic tendencies of those who suffer and cause suffering
vs my warrior spirit which has suffered and gone into a violent outburst against the sadists
vs a non-dual state of being which can watch cruelty at peace with an understanding it is all light Are they different in nature?

It is a controversial state for myself, that I find myself in. Me- who at one time had deep crises when I discovered the nature of the world and cruelty. Who had panic attacks at work when I had to sell foie gras as a special, and I couldn't do it- I said to my boss to fire me- but I wouldn't do it! Many panic attacks, many identity crises, not from being me, but from being a human being cause of all the animal cruelty I found out bit by bit... I didn't want to be part of a species who was capable of the worst. 

Yet slowly it balanced from seeing the whole struggle of us humans. Acceptance emerged of being in-between darkness and light. And then slowly the understanding came that light cannot exist without darkness. That there are really neither alone. Both of divine essence.

And now- I am here. Is it less unjust, less horrendous? No. And yes. The peace that I have in me now- I am still at a loss- what is this peace- I am with the poem, the essence of it, I know that the peace comes from that same source. But this meditation was unsettling- the peace itself disturbing- its a strange dichotomy. My mind tells me that, it tells me I shouldn't be at peace, remembering the past feelings. Of course my ego is part of this also- what- take away the main identity of who "I" am...? The main thing "I" am against? Whats the point when there is nothing to be against...?

I am guessing I am at a stepping stone from one state to another, polar opposite states. Unsettling to be at peace with something that was the deepest unsettlement! 

It is a meditation I chose which will still be difficult for some time.

But its good to grab the Bull by the Horns I feel.

My love story with the Divine or a short version of my history of the Dance

        I was wondering today if and how has my love for the Divine changed over the years, from the first "communion" through the years of union. From passion to commitment? So I dug up my diary...

Excerpt from diary, 2005

        I have been in love many times. I have lost myself in others countless moments. This has been a search, an escape, a hope!? Why fall in love? And out of love? It never lasts, this initial miracle. People stay together, and they have happiness, but the flame subdues to a quiet comfort, feeling of safety and warmth. It falls into a state of polarity- you start to fight, you wish to change the other. You make up. And finally you find a balance. Or maybe you don‘t. 
The impermanent world is such. Maybe I have become a slight cynic. At the same time I do believe people should share, should love each other, should help each other grow.

I have another lover. She is permanent. As long as I have a heart to feel, I will love Him. This love makes me fall to my knees, but without lowering myself; makes me cry, but only of happiness; makes me laugh, but only in awe and respect. My love for the Divine. Can I possibly measure it? Can anything else compare to it? She comprises all- He holds within himself all creatures, great or small, every leaf, stone, ant, snake, man, ape. Every contraction of music and every subtraction of silence. She only frustrates me with this- She cannot be put into words. He cannot be put into gender and yet I cannot say It, for that in linguistic terms means a lifeless thing. Yet nothing is lifeless about this All. There is nothing less lifeless than the All at all! How can I praise the Divine? How can I sing about the Divine? Only with my heart, only without words. Only by living.  

The thing I can describe is the love itself. I feel the love with me- I do not kneel to hope to get something- I receive total love by loving totally, by understanding. And this gift- this feeling of being loved so much, so completely, without boundaries, unconditionally, whatever I do, good or bad, for this Source, this Essence never judges you- this gift of being loved is what makes me love so much. This KNOWING of being loved makes me fall on my knees and live only for this love. In fact you can't even say- the universe loves me and I love the universe, because in this experience there is no lover and no beloved- it all mixes up and it comes together and there is nothing else but love, everything just IS love. Love that has nothing to do with giving, getting, being together or without, ownership, possession, hope, clinging, needing. Pure love, utter devotion that spreads so far and wide and deep that there is no receiver and no giver.

But then... 
2005

I become more of a hermit every day, each day I loathe the social mask I have to wear more and more. When I am in a room filled with people I see wild horses run past me, through me, beckoning me to jump on, they’re going to meet the stars in the dark nightly sky, and I cannot bear it. I want to fly too, alone and free.

Can you vomit up all the pain that comes from the nonsense, can you forcefully remove all that cold soulless existence that grows in you like a tumour? You eat and eat and eat (food and gossip and regret, the waves from the tv-set- the list is endless) to fill the void but as you become the junk in your belly, your whole being twists and turns and disgusts you so you throw it all up only to feel the void again. I guess for me the darkness beats the artificial light any day. It cannot be filled with the fake. I can learn to love companionship, I can even learn to like the sun, it has shown me its grace on occasions. Yet the night remains my master, my addiction, my only true friend. It’s a safe place for me to roam with all the other slugs and serpents, unseen and undisturbed.

And...

        How do you find the heat regulator button on the radiator and turn it from explosive to mild? Can you have burning passion, love and inspiration and loose its dark counter part of frustration, self-destruction and anger? Is there matter without antimatter? Or how do you rid yourself of the illusion of both?

        All I know is that there is such a huge dimension to the word feel at those times. I don’t just feel, I burn down to my very core of being. When I feel self-hatred it’s not a mild wallowing in pity, it’s the scream in the pillow, pulling hair and in the past self-hurt kind. Maybe it’s just life. If you want to taste life, smell it, feel it, hear it to the extreme then you will end up wanting to kill it. I desire the fear and fear the desire.

And...

I guess because I have come to understand that everyone suffers I have in some way ended up reaching an underlining level of peace in my mind. I have gained an understanding about the constant change that everything is subject to. How can you fight with the law of nature? All you can do is flow with the tide and surrender to the madness, give yourself up to the universe. 

At the same time it makes me so much more sensitive to seeing all the suffering in the world. It’s so strange- I thought that I was so lucky to gain an insight that will protect me from pain, but now I find that this has only opened me up to feeling EVERYONE’S hurt at the same time- what do you do with that? I walk on the street and I hear people shouting and screaming at each other, I see violence and it makes me cry, this blindness, the hurt that people cause themselves. If that is the salvation in the loss of ego then its grotesquely hilarious. But at the same time an inescapable fact I guess. On this earthly plain there is no pleasure without pain, never mind your vision and perspective, when the pleasure gets greater then so does the pain.

The strength of it is scary. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders so much that my head wants to explode, my neck longs to shatter into thousands of pieces.      


If death is not the answer and life kills you day by day then what do you do?

I’m numb. After one implosion, waiting another. I can sense it already though my awareness is concentrated on the level of my skin, as thick as an elephants.
Maybe the next one is the last. Does it matter? Joy is as far as the moon.

And..

Darkness. Guilt. Suffering. Sin.
        The winds are howling, battering the tiny birds as they fight to keep their direction. Not a soul outside, though its midday.
I sit in this moment and try to hold it. This desperate and beautiful moment. The atmosphere is dark and yet filled with little specks of carefree laughter, tiny bits of hope.
        Or is it my mind?
        I sit and I play with my vision like the wind is playing with the trees and the birds. Bending it, twisting and turning everything and yet not changing a thing. The birds will fly in a straight line, the trees will reach to the skies after the wind goes once again. My essence will remain constant. Nothing matters. How beautiful.

And..

Still 2005

Little glimpses of truth. I am chopping a tomato to make a fresh salad. My mind is empty, the thoughts have tired of themselves, time has gotten over it’s pompous self-delusion and has left me be. So all I do is chop a tomato. I do not think- I am chopping a tomato, I have quite forgotten words. But I am here, now, still, with a full awareness. And this way, suddenly- I am for the first time chopping a tomato. Quite unexpectedly I am filled with joy and peace. I know, this very instant, that the meaning of life is chopping a tomato. Chuckling I fall to a seat and sigh, “Thank you- tomato! Thank you- divine, for allowing me to chop into your essence!”  I have a fleeting feeling maybe I was actually chopping up myself. 

Somewhere in India, 2006

We are all free, nonexistent, without beginning and end. Bubbles of air, drops of water, grains of sand. Who am I? Who are you? Take a microscope and still you won’t find the answer. But in that ocean, cloud, in that desert of sand, nobody stands alone, separate. There are no quarrels or misunderstandings. This if we step out of our tiny little shell for a moment and look around. Or turn inward and take a look at our hearts. We will discover that someone has tried to pull our leg- nothing is as it seems, nowhere is the person we call “I”. 

And now? What happens now? Will all the storms in the world sail past me now? Of course not. But who will they shake? Who will they hurt? In fact are there any storms at all outside our own little inner world? Or do the rivers of suffering start from here and run into myself?

I have caught hold of the carriage of now and pulled myself to its comfy seat. This moment is the only one that exists, that matters. I, who have since childhood searched for a reason to be, have jumped from one view to another, like a piece of wood on stormy waves, a prey for the forces of nature, victim of my own emotions and passions, have reached the simple truth that no reason is necessary. The solidity of myself has separated me before from this truth, the search itself has prevented finding. Dissolved in the sea there are no more questions. Everything just is.  

And perhaps even a more wonderful realization- there are really no polarities. I have said that this is true before. I have believed that this is true before. I have even, in brief magical glimpses experienced that this is true, yet somehow I have never truly understood the real essence of this truth. If I am lost at any time in my life, then it only appears to my very limited consciousness then, at that moment, that I am lost, that I am not whole at the same time. I am simply playing the game of the cosmos- the appearing and the dissolving, blindness and vision, good and bad.  But that game itself is also a part of the divine essence. The divine is whole. So how did I think that when I didn’t have my mystical vision I was not whole? That when I was shaking with torrents of torture I was not also peacefully laughing? That when I was deeply ridden with all sorts of complexes and diseases I was not also shining with health, light and confidence. In reality all these are words, concepts, feelings. Ever-changing protrusions from the centre that doesn’t change. 

All that there is leaves me in deep awe. 

All that there is, is a playful dance of all the opposites, all the possibilities. A natural rhythm and energy. A heart, that goes on beating no matter where the legs run and how the hands bang and gesticulate.  A heart that keeps on beating no matter what dreams the head dreams.

...... October 2012

       My love came out of the night. How impassioned it was in those beginning stages! How painful was its beauty! I was a prayer then. Nothing else mattered. Days were obstacles cause I couldn't wait to fall to my knees and cherish. I was consumed by the union and I longed and needed the solitude that allowed it. 

      This love is not bound by the night anymore. The pendulum used to rock hard and fast from ecstasy to despair, it was such a difficult existence for many years, constantly torn up and then flinged to the heavens and torn up again by these extremes. I had no control whatsoever, I had no idea why the Divine had one day simply filled me from above, and I had no idea how to stop myself from falling into Hell. It was the opposite of constant at those times- namely because of that despair I felt when I was without it. It was all or nothing then. 
      When I wanted it all and devoured all the Universe I needed to empty myself after a while. It was a spiritual bulimia which then expressed itself as a physical bulimia. 
      When I had it all, then my mind collapsed into fear for a while- too high, too fast! It was a spiritual vertigo which then expressed itself as the physical vertigo also- the ground was literally falling and rising under my feet, I couldn't even work for a while, walking was a huge mile-stone I had to conquer again. In other words- with the spiritual gymnastics- the body follows- beware!
      It was a spiritual death which made me go out and test the limits of danger, to feel as alive as I possibly could. And then it was a spiritual birth which made me long for physical death. And again it was those moments when I was ready to give up that actually sparked Life! Death! Life! Death! Life!
      Yes, it was a passion then! 
      Yet it is through this rocking- that I know that there is no good or bad. Yet it's through the experience that the love remained by my side, saving me time and again from the ultimate threat I posed to myself- that I developed my absolute and unshakable trust in the Universe, my rock-solid faith that everything happens for the best, despite all the seeming suffering on the surface reality. 

     How can I describe my love now? It is such a quiet feeling now compared to all that, despite its stealthy strength. A silent under-current of everything. A saving grace for every disappointment, an indestructible net underneath every fall. The arms of this love always catch me. Every unpleasant thought is subdued by it. When before I loved to fall cause it meant first the void and then the flying and dissolution in ecstasy, then now I have  learned to love the simple walk on the ground of being. For some years, they can be called the stabilizing years I guess- I did not fall at all, and I was shocked by this, it was the polar opposite of what I knew and was used to. Of course life goes on and suffering returns. It returns so much smaller though, and more importantly- it returns within the loving arms of the Divine.       

      This feeling has spread out over a myriad of tempos and tonalities now. There is no frustration with describing it, cause there is no need to describe it- it is there, just there, in day-light and at night. Sometimes the awareness of it sleeps also. But when the sleep has lasted for longer than I can bear, for days or weeks, the love soars through my heart refreshed with such a tumultuous ecstasy that I still kneel, I still shout out to the heavens and laugh for hours with tears of gratitude rolling down my face. And I am grateful for the temporary solitude cause I get to feel the over-flowing joining. Its just that I don't need the rapture anymore, I am utterly happy to find the quiet energy of love behind small things.

       I am married to You- to Myself. No earthly love or the loss of it makes me suffer for long. Most of my friends are shocked at how fast I get over things. But they don't know about my real love, which encompasses and immortalizes these loves also. 
       I have no more ambitions in life cause You were my only ambition. I only want to live when I live, and to die when I die, with You by my side, around, within- 
       in Love.

The dance starts out slowly, fueled by a vague longing in the heart and a strong curiosity of mind.

The dance quickens into fire- both igniting and purging darkness.

The dance settles into the dance. 

Symbols, intuition and a personal symbol analysis

Symbols and the analysis of those symbols which keep coming up for us, whether in our dreams, or in our waking hours, whether through the emotions of love or fear, can be a wonderful way of self-analysis and a deepening of understanding about ourselves, our paths and our challenges. This is a personal example.

I have been on a deep intuitive journey in recent days (and mainly nights- why is it that the night-time is more open for intuition? Is it simply that we are undisturbed or does the putting out of one light bring forth the lighting of the other?). 

Where I have been lead is a single symbol, an image, which exploded in me and has left me in a state of wonder.

It is the image of the Tree of Life and more precisely "arbor inversum"- inverted tree. 

"Alchemical treatises speak of the arbor philosophica that grows upside down. The alchemist, Canon George Ripley describes this arbor inversum  as having "the root of its minerals in the air and its head in the earth.".. The Qabalistic Tree of Life is the same as the World Tree of the Shamanic, Hindu, Egyptian, Sumerian, Toltec, and Norse traditions, also described in the Upanishads as a "tree eternally existing, its roots aloft, its branches spreading below. The pure root of the tree is Brahman (the Absolute) the Immortal, in Whom the three worlds have their being. Whom none can transcend, Who is verily the Self..." The spiritual rebirth of the world starts in human consciousness- in the mind of the alchemist. The tree of Life grows out of the alchemist's own heart, the center of his or her world. Spreading into ever-new infinities, into ever-higher and purer realms, it becomes the Tree of Enlightenment."

~David Goddard "The Tower of Alchemy- and advanced guide to the Great Work" 

"This tree and its gifts of immortality are not easy to discover. It is historically difficult to find, and almost invariably guarded. The tree of Life in the Jewish bible is guarded by a Seraph (an angel in the form of a fiery serpent) bearing a flaming sword."

"To steal the apples of knowledge, the Greek hero Hercules had to slay a many-headed dragon Ladon. In Mayan legends, it is a serpent in the roots that must be contended with. Similarly, the Naga, or divine serpent guards the Hindu Tree. The Serpent Nidhog lives under Ygdrassil, and gnaws at the roots..."  Src

All of these symbols were always meaningful for me, and I could not even imagine them coming together before they did.

I always saw myself as an upside-down growing being, always un-grounded, cause all of the higher chakras were open yet the lower chakras were not. It isn't better or worse to grow upwards or downwards, both ways of growing bring the same result and it is through the joining of the heaven and earth that we become whole. 

I have to wonder now if the image of the arbum inversum always existed in my subconscious, through the medium of our collective memory...

Second- my name Hille is derived from an old German name- Hildebrand. Its literal translation is the flaming sword. 

Snakes... Well where do I start about the snakes. With a phobia about snakes since youth and suffering re-occurent night-mares about them till recently, the snake image has followed me around since I remember. It has always been dubbed with the emotion of utter fear. 

"In Eastern Indian myth the Sanskrit word for snake is naga and these are associated with the element of water. Picking up water's symbolism of emotion, love and motion, nagas in this light are considered a feminine aspect and embody nurturing, benevolent, wise qualities. To wit, the practice of nagayuna in Eastern Indian alchemy seeks to achieve loving harmony between the physical and ethereal. Simply put, all of us striving to better ourselves by calmly easing into places of personal balance within the cosmic balance of the whole are practicing this ancient technique."   Src

The dice have rolled, the symbols are in place, now all there is to do is to understand, which is something that I can only try in simplistic terms right now.

The flaming sword was gifted to me by my mother. She had an uncanny intuition to give me my name and she gave birth to me in the Sun of Aries and ascendant of Scorpio, there is nothing more necessary to embody a flaming sword. :) (Of course perhaps our birth time is chosen by ourselves but for my name I can only give thanks to my mother). 

But the innate qualities, the external self and knowing that part of oneself simply means another road of growth and it is by no means an easy one. It is a path of its own- to fully let these qualities shine in the best way possible, and also to accept oneself as one is. For example I have always struggled with my instant way of jumping into battle, and I have used my sharp insight into others in negative ways when I have been hurt for example. Be who you have chosen to be, and be the best you can be. 

The inverted tree is my spiritual path towards the eternal self. I knew this was my only ambition in life since very young.

The snake figure symbolises the one true obstacle- which is fear. To get to the tree of knowledge we must dissolve fear into its counter-part which is love. But the message is clearer yet- to unify and find balance between opposites. To find balance in the feminine and the masculine. It is the serpent who is said to have caused the fall of Man. It is merely a symbol of man falling into the life of duality, in order to, on his own, discover who he is, and to directly know his unity with all that there is. By becoming both the snake and the flaming sword it is possible to unite the opposites- fire and water, masculine and feminine. 

So. To take that all together I am left with these feelings and thoughts most of all. Follow your own intuition, all the answers are there, both waking and dreaming life is continuously full of symbols and keys. The things in life which frighten us the most, like it was with snakes for me- are so powerful for us for a reason, they have come in peace and are actually the very things we have to approach and understand. Everything is connected and on our search of self-knowledge everything can be of assistance. All the ancient traditions, astrology, numerology, working with dreams, working with archetypes, yoga, ayurveda, shamanism, alchemy, all the ancient wisdoms of the world are all a piece of the picture because there are uncanny correlations between all of these when one begins to look. Life is a simply marvelous master-piece of synchronicity and inter-connectedness. 

"The idea that man is like unto an inverted tree seems to have been current in by gone ages. The link with Vedic conceptions is provided by Plato in his Timaeus in which it states..." behold we are not an earthly but a heavenly plant." ~ Carl Jung

Rebel- Osho

I find it wonderful that every time when I feel I am in need of advice, the advice will come. Sometimes it comes from within and this is of course the best advice of all- the only one I know I am capable of following. At other times it comes out of nature, be it the weather, the movement of birds or trees- the signs really can come from anything at all if you watch with a quiet mind. And then of course the advice can come from the mouths of fellow travellers.
Yesterday I was struggling to keep my heart open, cause once again I was forced to see the cruelty and inhumanity of the society we live in. It is easy to close one's heart at those times, even though it is the very thing that we do not want to do. Yet in a few instances the anguish from witnessing all that is vile and painful in the world can be so great that you can miss the chance of getting a grip of yourself before you have already run away into a self-protective mode of a closed heart.
How to come out of it, how to keep on the path of love...
How to reconcile yourself with a society that sometimes seems impossible to love, a world filled with hate, violence, killing, utter mindlessness, utter lack of responsibility, of love... How to remain sensitive when your senses come close to being destroyed by the pain that they feel... How to stay adament in hope while seeing a society so corrupt from top to bottom, that there seems not a single way to improve it... A revolution? A rebellion? Renunciation?
The answers lie within, always, but sometimes we are so shocked by an experience that we momentarily loose the path to them. Sometimes we are in a state of doubt, which is necessary I feel, cause it can help us reinforce that which for us is sacred.
It was Osho this time who held up the mirror.

"WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REBEL AND A REVOLUTIONARY?

There is not only a quantitative difference between a rebel and a revolutionary, there is also a qualitative difference. The revolutionary is part of the political world. His approach is through politics. His understanding is that changing the social structure is enough to change the man.
The rebel is a spiritual phenomenon. His approach is absolutely individual. His vision is that if we want to change the society, we have to change the individual. Society in itself does not exist; it is only a word, like ‘crowd’, but if you go to find it, you will not find it anywhere. Wherever you will encounter someone, you will encounter an individual. Society is only a collective name, just a name, not a reality – with no substance. The individual has a soul, has a possibility of evolution, of change, of transformation. Hence the difference is tremendous.
The rebel is the very essence of religion. He brings into the world a change of consciousness – and if the consciousness changes, then the structure of the society is bound to follow it. But vice versa is not right – and it has been proved by all the revolutions, because they have all failed.
No revolution has yet succeeded in changing man; but it seems man is not aware of the fact. He still goes on thinking in terms of revolution, of changing society, of changing the government, of changing the bureaucracy, of changing laws, political systems. Feudalism, capitalism, communism,socialism, fascism – they are all in their own way revolutionary. They all have failed, and failed utterly, because man has remained the same.
All the revolutionaries who have succeeded in capturing power have been corrupted by the power.
They could not change the power and its institutions; the power changed them and their minds and corrupted them. Only names became different, but the society continued to remain the same.

The world has known only very few rebels.
But now is the time: if humanity proves incapable of producing a large number of rebels – a rebellious spirit – then our days on the earth are numbered. Then this century may become our graveyard. We are coming very close to that point.
We have to change our consciousness, create more meditative energy in the world, create more lovingness. We have to destroy the old man and his ugliness, his rotten ideologies, his stupid discriminations, idiotic superstitions, and create a new man, with fresh eyes, with new values; a discontinuity with the past – that’s the meaning of rebelliousness.

The revolutionary tries to change the old; the rebel simply comes out of the old, just as the snake slips out of the old skin, and never looks back. Unless we create such rebellious people around the earth, man has no future. The old man has brought man to his ultimate death. It is the old mind, the old ideologies, the old religions – they have all combined together to bring about this situation of global suicide. Only a new man can save humanity and this planet, and the beautiful life of this planet.

WHAT ARE THE QUALITIES OF A REBEL?

The qualities of a rebel are multidimensional. The first thing: the rebel does not believe in anything except his own experience. His truth is his only truth; no prophet, no messiah, no savior, no holy scripture, no ancient tradition can give him his truth. They can talk about truth, they can make much ado about truth, but to know about truth is not to know truth. The word ‘about’ means around – to know about truth means to go around and around it. But by going around and around you never reach to the center.
The rebel has no belief system – theist or atheist, Hindu or Christian; he is an inquirer, a seeker. But a very subtle thing has to be understood: that is, he is not an egoist. The egoist also does not want to belong to any church, to any ideology, to any belief system, but his reason for not belonging is totally different from the rebel. He does not want to belong because he thinks too much of himself. He is too much of an egoist; he can only stand alone.
The rebel is not an egoist, he is utterly innocent. His nonbelieving is not an arrogant attitude but a humble approach. He is simply saying, ”Unless I find my own truth, all borrowed truths are only burdening me, they are not going to unburden me. I can become knowledgeable, but I will not be knowing anything with my own being. I will not be an eyewitness of any experience.”
A rebel respects his own independence and also respects the independence of everybody else. He respects his own divineness and he respects the divineness of the whole universe. The whole universe is his temple – that’s why he has left the small temples made by man. The whole universe is his holy scripture – that’s why he has left all holy scriptures written by man. But it is not out of arrogance, it is out of a humble search. The rebel is as innocent as a child.

His second dimension will be not to live in the past, which is no more, and not to live in the future, which is not yet, but to live in the present with as much alertness and consciousness as he can manage. In other words, to live consciously in the moment. Ordinarily we live like somnambulists, sleepwalkers. The rebel tries to live a life of awareness. Awareness is his religion, awareness is his philosophy, awareness is his way of life.

His third dimension is that he is not interested in domination over others. He has no lust for power, because that is the ugliest thing in the world. The lust for power has destroyed humanity and has not allowed it to be more creative, to be more beautiful, to be more healthy, to be more wholesome. And it is this lust for power that ultimately leads to conflicts, competitions, jealousies and finally to wars.

His religion is not superstitious – it is scientific. His religion is not a search for God, because to begin with God means you have already accepted a belief, and if you have accepted a belief your search is contaminated from the very beginning.
The rebel goes into his inner world with open eyes, with no idea of what he is looking for. He goes on polishing his intelligence. He goes on making his silences deeper, his meditation more profound, so that whatever is hidden in him is revealed to him; but he has no preconceived idea of what he is looking for.
He is basically an agnostic. That word has to be remembered because it describes one of his basic qualities. There are theists who believe in God, there are atheists who do not believe in God and there are agnostics who simply say, ”We do not know yet. We will search, we will see. We cannot say anything before we have looked into every nook and corner of our being.” He begins with, ”I do not know.” That’s why I say he is just like a small child – innocent.

Only a rebellious person is truly revolutionary and is truly religious. He does not create an organization, he does not create a following, he does not create churches.
But it is possible that rebels can be fellow travelers: they may enjoy to be together, to dance together, to sing together, to cry and weep together, to feel the immensity of existence and the eternity of life together. They can merge into a kind of communion without any surrender of anybody’s individuality; on the contrary, the communion of rebels refreshes everybody’s individuality, nourishes everybody’s individuality, gives dignity and respect to everybody’s individuality.

IS RENOUNCING THE WORLD AND SOCIETY PART OF A REBELLIOUS SPIRIT?

The rebel is renouncing the past. He is not going to repeat the past; he is bringing something new into the world. Those who have escaped from the world and society are escapists. They have really renounced responsibilities, but without understanding that the moment you renounce responsibilities you also renounce freedom. These are the complexities of life: freedom and responsibilities go away together or remain together.
The more you are a lover of freedom, the more you will be ready to accept responsibilities. But outside the world, outside the society, there is no possibility of any responsibility. And it has to be remembered that all that we learn, we learn through being responsible.
Escapists are cowards, they are not rebels – although that’s what has been thought up to now, that they are rebellious spirits. They are not, they are simply cowards. They could not cope with life. They knew their weaknesses, their frailties, and they thought it was better to escape; because then you will never have to face your weakness, your frailty, you will never come to know any challenge.
But without challenges how are you going to grow?
No, the rebel cannot renounce the world and the society, but he certainly renounces many other things. He renounces the so-called morality imposed upon him by the society; he renounces the so-called values imposed by the society; he renounces the knowledge given by the society. He does not renounce the society as such, but he renounces everything that the society has given to him.
This is true renunciation.
The rebel lives in the society, fighting, struggling. To remain in the crowd and not to be obedient to the crowd but to be obedient to one’s own conscience, is a tremendous opportunity for growth. It makes you bring out your best; it gives you a dignity.

As far as the world is concerned... and the world and the society are not the same thing. In the past, the so-called religious people have renounced the society and the world, both. The rebel will fight against the society, renounce its ideals, and he will love the world – because the world, the existence, is our very source of life. To renounce it is to be anti-life. But all religions have been anti-life, life-negative.
The rebel should be life-affirmative. He will bring in all those values which make the world more beautiful, more lovable, which make the world more rich. It is our world – we are part of it, it is part of us – how can we renounce it? Where can we go to renounce it? The world is in the Himalayan cave as much as it is here in the marketplace.
The world has to be nourished because it is nourishing you. The world has to be respected because it is your very source of life. All the juice that flows in you, all the joys and celebrations that happen to you, come from existence itself. Rather than running away from it, you should dive deeper into it; you should send your roots to deeper sources of life and love and laughter. You should dance and celebrate.
Your celebration will bring you closer to existence, because existence is in constant celebration.
Your joy, your blissfulness, your silence, will bring the silences of the stars and the sky; your peace with existence will open the doors of all the mysteries it contains. There is no other way to become enlightened.
The world has not to be condemned, it has to be respected. The rebel will honor existence, he will have immense reverence for life in whatsoever form it exists – for men, for women, for trees, for mountains, for stars. In whatever form life exists, the rebel will have a deep reverence. That will be his gratitude, that will be his prayer, that will be his religion, that will be his revolution.

To be a rebel is the beginning of a totally new kind of life, a totally new style of life; it is the beginning of a new humanity, of a new man.
I would like the whole world to be rebellious, because only in that rebelliousness will we blossom to our full potential, will we release our fragrances. We will not be repressed individuals, as man has remained for centuries... the most repressed animal. Even birds are far more free, far more natural, far more in tune with nature.
When the sun rises, it does not knock on every tree, ”Wake up, the night is over.” It does not go to every nest of birds, ”Start singing, it is time for song.” No, just as the sun rises, the flowers start opening on their own accord. And the birds start singing – not by an order from above, but from an intrinsic inevitability, from a joy, from a blissfulness.

WHAT GUIDES THE REBEL?

That’s the beauty of the rebel – that he does not need a guide. He is his own guide, he is his own path, he is his own philosophy, he is his own future. It is a declaration that ”I am all that I need and existence is my home. I am not a stranger here.”"

Snippets from Osho's discourse series "Rebel"

Spiritual warrior in Buddhism and Shamanism

"Generally speaking, we regard discomfort in any form as bad news. But for practitioners or spiritual warriors- people who have a certain hunger to know what is true- feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we are holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, its with us wherever we are."

- Pema Chodron "When things fall apart" full chapter online

The concept of a spiritual warrior has connotations in almost all religions and nowadays the new-age movements. Yet I find in shamanism a close link to the Shambhala warriors.


The only person who can survive the transformative path of the shaman is the Spiritual Warrior. The average human seeks comfort, safety, wealth, and a “healthy distance” from the true realities of life. The spiritual warrior actively seeks change, the facing of his fears and demons, and truth in all its starkness. A large proportion of a shaman’s training is learning to take full responsibility for his incarnation on Earth, and acquiring the qualities of a Spiritual Warrior.
The student learns the way awareness works and is taught to make a strategy for his life. By applying himself to these principles on a constant, everyday basis and by developing the profound qualities of impeccability, the student will activate the qualities of the Spiritual Warrior within. Once the Spiritual Warrior has been birthed, the student will then have the tools to enable him to walk the path towards total freedom.  source

Here are some of my favourite shamanic meditations from Kenneth Meadows wonderful book "Where eagles fly"

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Adversity is not a punishment of an anrgy deity, but an interplay of energies that provides an opportunity for growth in a new direction.

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Celebrate each day as it comes to you as if it is the only one in your entire existence. Compassion comes through a recognition that all living creatures are our "relatives".

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Detachment does not mean retreating from the world to escape its responsibilities. It is being in the world but not of it.

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Follow your heart, for what you feel is nearer to the truth than what you think.

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Innocence is not that which is separate from moral wrong, for innocence is not divisive. An innocent child lives for the moment. The past is forgotten and the future does not exist. Only the moment has importance. That is innocence.

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Look to a way, that is not a route to a destination but rather a journey itself, for you cannot become what it is you aspire to unless you can be it where you are now.

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Rainbows are a demonstration of all colours combining together into a wholeness, and illustrate that separateness is an illusion. A rainbow indicates that all paths that are harmonious are ways to wholeness, all races are part of a greater unity, and all paths that create beauty are deserving of respect.

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Take anything to its extreme and you lead it to its destruction.

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The most joyful sounds are heard not with the ears but with the Spirit. Only by finding the solitude of our personal Quiet Place can we experience the sound of silence.

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To love Nature is to love your Real Self, for Nature itself is an expression of the essence of what you are.

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Truth wears many masks in order to teach us not to mistake appearances for the reality.

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Zero is the Nothing that precedes creation, out of which an infinity of numbers and combinations is possible, and to which everything returns, for it shares itself with all that can be numbered and contains within it everything in existence. An apt symbol for Great Mystery.

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You alone have the power to make something of yourself simply by choosing to do so.