Slow growth and hardest lessons of compassion and wisdom

Hard day today for lessons about hurtful expression. Change really seems to be very slow in this indeed.

I guess everybody has at least one challenging relationship in their lives. And when I look at it from a distance, then I realise that this relationship with that person is the one that is most vital, most important, and therefore the most cherished one to me. It is suffering that teaches us anything at all. Its wonderful and necessary to have loving and peaceful relationships around us, but it is that other one, the one that challenges us, that has the power to make us truly grow. The only person that I feel I dislike at times, is the person that I love most of all when I realize this.

Yet- this is from hindsight, while I see things clearly. While I am in the moment of challenge, while I am in a battle that I more often than not loose- to remain kind and not be pulled into a confrontation- I forget this completely, oh where does this knowledge disappear to then??

But yes- I lost the battle with the ego yet again. I was temporarily blind yet again. I was pulled into a pattern of unwise thoughts and unkind words. And when I say- was pulled- then in no way do I mean that some force outside myself or the other person did this. No- it was myself and nobody else but myself.

And I witnessed that which I have so many times before. Namely that anger is the worst emotion we allow ourselves to get into. It hurts ourselves and the others and then ourselves again. Till we are able to stop the "story" in our heads and finally let go of it. It is getting out of the story that is also difficult. Today I saw that half of the "wrong" that I imagined was happening which pulled me into anger, was created by myself and had nothing to do with what really went on. The story was going on and on in my head, and while it was going around like a snowball down the mountain it picked up new nuances, new details. I started to imagine what the other person must have been thinking while they were saying what they said, why they were thinking it, what they must think about me, how they must dislike me and be against me... Nonsense, a story is a perfect word for it, because what happens when we keep thinking about things- they literally turn into fiction.
 
And if we are not able to somehow stop this snowball, then our reaction will of course be totally disproportionate, as will be the reaction of the other person, because I know the same thing is going on inside their heads too.

Anyway I came home and I felt horrible. Instantly sat down and did a Metta meditation. What I struggled with was self-forgiveness and giving Metta to myself. I had already come back to the stage of being utterly grateful to the other person for showing me my faults and giving me opportunity to grow. Yet forgiving myself for hurting the other, I am still not quite there... The thought that kept coming was- I should have known better, having been on a spiritual path for a long time, I should have been able to stop myself. I accept that I wasn't. I accept myself as on the way and a human being. Forgiveness is a bit harder though.

At the same time- when I think back on the words: "the only person who I dislike at times but for this reason love the dearest", then I realise that this is a source for self-forgiveness as well. Because today I was really the person I didn't like very much, but I was also the person that made me grow, therefore the one I must be able to love and forgive.

Yet once again there has been a change in attitude and the truth does this every time. I came home thinking- what a horrible day. Now I think- what a meaningful day, let there be many more of these!



May all beings be happy!