Self-sabotage

Today I've been thinking about self-sabotage, the age-old enemy that many people see as their monster in the cupboard. Or is it?

I myself can identify with most of the common ways said to imply self-sabotage- procastrination, feeling stuck or without a purpose, driving away relationships etc. Check the article about this here- The top 7 Signs Of Self-sabotaging behaviour

So what can we do about this? Often I find that as soon as I realize I am self-sabotaging once again, my behaviour changes, self-awareness as always seems to be the key. Our reasons for self-sabotage are all a little different- working through your past to understand ourselves and getting down to the nitty gritty with our deepest fears... Whenever I find myself testing a relationship and pushing the boundaries, I try to remind myself that I am once again presented with an opportunity to heal the deepest issues from childhood, viewing the whole situation not as an obstacle but as a blessing. A healthier attitude is also shown in this

following article by C. Devin Hastings, I have yet to form an opinion about NLP but we can all take the first step by simply re-evaluating this concept a little.

"Have you ever said or felt that one of the following statements is true about you?

 

“How come I can’t lose weight” (control my temper/get up on time/or whatever).

 

“What’s wrong with me?  I know I shouldn’t do that.”

 

“I must be sabotaging myself (again).”

 

When I ask students in my classes if and of the above is true for them, I usually get a large variety of similar self-talk patterns. 

 

What is striking in every class I have taught around the U.S. and overseas, is that every person raises their hand when I next ask them if they have ever, at least once, engaged in self-sabotage. 

 

Self-sabotage (dark, deep inner forces over which we have no control) is a concept that was created by Sigmund Freud, the ‘Father Of Modern Mental Health’.  Just for the record, Freud snorted a lot of cocaine and really didn’t like women so, I find his ‘mental health’ theories just a tad suspect. 

 

The point here is that a frightening number of people subscribe to the belief that they were created with an inner terrorist that forces them to ‘self-sabotage’.  What a terrible way to live.

 

Think about it: If a person truly believes in self-sabotage, then what chance do they really have to change and be happy?  This ‘SS’ force (self-sabotage force) has all the characteristics of something that one really can’t control.  And, this uncontrollable force doesn’t even like the person in which it resides!

 

Here’s the truth about self-sabotage: It does not exist.  There simply is no such thing as self-sabotage. 

 

Now, when I say this in my classes, there is always a “lively” debate that ensues.  It seems that some people are hell bent are keeping their limitations and as some wag once said: “If you argue for your limitations, you get to keep them.”

 

However, for those people who are open-minded, their brains fall out.  Ha ha.  Just kidding.  I wanted to see if you were really reading this.

 

Seriously though, for those of you who are curious about challenging and changing a harmful, long held belief, then the following idea may be valuable to you: Self-sabotage does not exist because in reality, it is just a terrible and incorrect name for “inner miscommunication”.  

 

You see, self-sabotage is a ‘label’ for essential, unchangeable unworthiness.  And we all live up, or down to, labels we have about ourselves.

 

Speaking of harmful and inaccurate labels, do you think that you (or someone you know) have flaws? 

 

Most people answer, “Sure.  We’re only human so it’s normal to have flaws.”

 

Here’s the flaw with having flaws: Thinking they are real is very damaging because doing so is the emotional equivalent of staring at the sun in that it blinds a person to change. 

 

Thinking that you have flaws reinforces the idea of a deep unworthiness because a flaw is intrinsic and hence, very tough if not impossible, to change.

 

The point is this: Thinking that one has flaws is emotionally crippling because it perpetuates the whole self-sabotage belief pattern.

 

What if, instead, you (or someone you know) had ‘growth opportunities’?  Doesn’t that feel better?  Can you see how that label makes much more sense? 

 

Many people feel this new definition click into place because they deeply sense (in spite of an inner critical voice) that “growth opportunities” is a true description of reality.

 

Isn’t it true that flaws are limiting?  However, ‘growth opportunities’ nicely invite a person to accept that their current behaviour is what it is and that it does not have to be permanent.  The great thing about this more accurate perception of reality is that it gives a person a real opportunity to grow and change.

 

Now, let’s get back to self-sabotage.  As I said, it is a state of inner miscommunication based on an inaccurate message of worthiness that originated from some time in our past.  In other words, we have learned to incorrectly talk to ourselves about our-Self. 

 

And keep this important fact in mind:  As children, we are born with the tendency to like ourselves.  However, “as the twig is bent, so grows the tree” and most of us learn to talk to ourselves in ways that do not affirm our self-worth. 

 

In fact, some of us learned at a very young age that we, for some inexplicable reason, are born with terrible flaws and hence are unworthy.  (Womb experiences are very important but beyond the scope of this article.)

 

However, the truth is that children are created liking themselves.  As far as they are concerned, there is nothing wrong with them and they naturally give and expect healthy love because that is how they are made. 

 

Only some time later do many of us stop expecting healthy love and/or we develop odd ideas about what giving love is (to ourselves as well as others).  It is at this point when damaging inner miscommunication becomes entrenched."

Source article HERE, also with NLP techniques to eliminate self-sabotage.