Ayahuasca, part 2- HEAVEN

Alex Grey - Theologue

Entering the second session with the master-plant took an immense effort, just the getting ready for it. Never in my life had I been so out of control, powerless and afraid. To choose to enter that world again was one of the hardest things I've had to do, my breath was unsteady and heart trembling. It didn't help that much that the shaman was saying not to enter with fear, that if I entered afraid, I would only have more of the same, more of fear. How easy it is to understand yet how do you force yourself not to be afraid if your only experience with the plant is that of utter hell. So instead of thinking- don't fear, I was saying to myself- remember to open your heart and love. Positives do work much better.

This time as I gulped down the brown liquid, a quarter of a dose of the night before, I wasn't asking for a lot other than- treat me kindly.. :)

Regardless of such a small dose, the effects were once again immediate. Straight away I was in the same place, the nasty place of vomiting and life-less soulless fear circus and playground. Ugly horrible noises- I thought- I cant believe this- I'm here again, I couldn't believe WHYEVER people do this thing, why was I doing this, AGAIN!!!

But soon I realised that it was different this time. I was able to stand back, probably because of the lower dose. I wasn't overwhelmed or drowned in the other reality, I could open my eyes and come back to my mattress. So I relaxed, got over the wish to just keep purging, focused, let the circus be, let the fear be. The shaman had told me that the shapes I had seen had all been doors and she was right, it turned out that the same hell was like a gate-way. The horrific clown-demons were gate-keepers with a simple test- can you overcome fear and turn it into love? Only with an open heart can you cross over to the magic side of Ayahuasca!

A different universe started to emerge. The crude shapes turned finer and finer. All corners smoothing out. Where only one or two colours had prevailed, now all the colours of all the chakras started to come through and build a cosmos like no other. Somehow my body was cleansed deeper than ever before, somehow for the first time in my life all my energy centers were open, all of them involved in co-creation.

From time to time I was still seeing a face of a demon-clown here and there, but now somehow I felt no judgement or fear for them. I was beginning to feel the unified and I had a clear knowledge that the demonic and the soulless also had a place in this whole.

How can I describe the next 3 hours other than that it was being in pure, unconditional love and bliss. The whole indescribable universe which opened up was like an organic interconnected 3D web, painted and shining with the light-beams of all the colours of the rainbow. I kept flying through this miraculous place, in which every millimeter was so full of detail, so intricate, so ornate. It was constantly being born, new vistas, new details, every intricate millimeter of its fabric turning ever more intricate and then molding into something different once again. Flying over stunning landscapes of green hills, oceans, rivers between canyons with round bridges over it, volcanoes. Meeting nature itself, I saw countless animals and birds and fish, mainly those of the Amazonian jungle but also for example koalas and platypuses and elephants, leaving me in a soul-quenching state of connectedness with Mother Earth in all its glory. I saw the images of Buddhas everywhere, especially during the first minutes, this in particular was giving me a feeling of security and support at that time. I also kept sighting an Eye on every corner of the highway of heaven. The eye always seeing, always open- sometimes the eye of a cat, sometimes that of a puma, sometimes human, sometimes also a face with three eyes. The meaning of this is self-evident as the shaman said- the third eye feeds off the heart, with an open heart the center of intuition cannot remain closed.

There were pyramids and pharaohs- in general so much detail it was impossible to remember even a fraction of all I saw.

It was a journey and it felt complete, which made me realise I was witnessing something like the blue-print of the evolution of consciousness and of the Earth. It was flowing and glowing with such gentle pure love and such overwhelming beauty that I couldn't stop crying while I had the biggest smile on my face.

I saw my friend, who was with me in this retreat, and had struggled a lot with the first night as myself, dancing under a Sun bathed in a golden light, free and wild and liberated. And in her own vision at that time she was actually dancing, free of fear, liberated! In fact somehow as a group I found us in a connected web of minds, and the link accessible through Ayahuasca, truly amazing to see intuition at work.

Love was everywhere. I saw the Man and the Woman standing hand in hand in front of a sunset, and the Man and the Woman again making love while suspended in the universe in front of a huge burning Sun.

There was one instant I wished to see a loved one in my vision and tried to mold the creation that was. Yet suddenly the flying avenue of light burst in a short-cut and there was a breaking black gap in the flow. I saw what happened and I laughed at myself for not being happy with the absolute perfection I was already witnessing. This was perhaps one of the most meaningful of all the lessons from this experience. Even while in sync with the source, and having entered this state because of one thing and one thing only- by being a witness and thus letting the natural power of love and life that each of us possesses, move us into a higher state, we as humans can get so confident that we forget to be witnesses and try once more to use a limited tool of the personal mind to "improve" that which is naturally, to fulfil our little wishes of the ego, thus losing that which took us there, the act of letting go, equanimous observation, thus losing the connection.

I kept traveling until the vision started to slow down and everything came back to its point of origin. Not surprisingly all the roads made of light went back to a huge pumping heart, now filling my vision, all the energy of the world started and ended there and I think that is what the Ayahuasca is mainly a teacher of. Its not the mind that is so important, the mind is the tool for seeing, but the heart is the core, the beginning, without the heart no higher goals are possible, love is the key.

I went to sleep slowly because the happiness was too deep and I felt full of energy. Everything was shining, even though it was a dark night. The sky was full to the brim with stars and my dreams were full of a flight of a bird.

How different was the next morning from the one before. At the breakfast table, instead of the previous shattered tired frightened faces, disorientated, lost; were shining creatures who looked each other in the eyes with love, gratitude for sharing the journey, open helpfulness.

Our last ceremony was the ceremony to the mother Earth or Pachamama. We held hands in a circle and sent back to eachother and to mother Nature all that we had gained. The feeling of unconditional love can only grow from giving back. The hands were pulsating with energy. We each made a pledge to commit to trying in whatever way to return the love and the shaman burned a bundle of symbolic presents to Pachamama, consisting of all manner of things like coca and tea-leaves, sugar, strings of gold, salt, even wine, in a small fire, the ashes remaining on the soil and the good intentions flying up with the smoke to the skies. Afterwards everybody hugged eachother, such a feeling of love and humanity! It was so beautiful to be able to speak freely with love and gratitude, to not be hindered by any of the communication patterns and games we usually are enslaved to.

I felt my heart was completely opened by this absolutely incredible plant mixture for that time. But I know that this was just a lesson of the path. Being a free and happy human being has nothing to do with one, two, or even twenty-times of experiencing the light. It is about working every single day to come to that place again, for our habitual tracks are strong indeed. It is not enough to rest after witnessing the beauty of human potential, and its dangerous to feel an achievement of overcoming ones blocks after going through such a hard time because that time is past now and life is in the present- the shamanic lesson from Ayahuasca is about working every day to keep the heart open. My heart in particular is a feeble, changeable creature. It opens to close to open again. It is a difficult path but I am in awe and full of deepest gratitude for the push from Pachamama to keep on that hard path. In total awe of the miraculous wisdom of the plants of Ayahuasca.

Thank you Etnika's Shamanic Retreat, Cuzco, Peru!